rumi :)

Now I will move in silence, Like a chess piece, Watching as my whole life revolves around the position of my King.

Not gonna be a long one tonight - in the BC interior / lower mainland for vacay. Penticton is BEAUTIFUL, and though the ubiquitous rain kinda dampened (haha) the excitement of the drive to PoCo, here I am / we are.

Though it's not likely to happen anytime soon, I would LOVE to move out here . . . .

Anyway, the quote above has been kinda stuck in my head since I read it. I wanted to get it out on here before I forgot, and hopefully when I get back to Calgary I'll be able to expand on it . . .

g'nite

be

This is my life, Dad, this is it. I spent 26 years waiting for something else to start, so, no, I don't think it's too much to take on, because it's everything there is. I see now it's all of it. You and I are gonna be OK, you know that, right? We may not be as happy as you always dreamed we would be, but for the first time let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are and that will be better. OK? I think that will be better.

Garden state is a great movie. Go watch it now.

I like movies that make me think about things, things I either already now and accept as true, or things I've never really thought about but always kinda felt, or things I never thought about and wouldn't have unless I watched that film or was otherwise exposed to that thinking.

I think it's better to allow yourself to feel and experience a wide range of emotions than to try to bottle them up inside, or to medicate yourself so you can never be really happy but at least not be sad.

If you happen to be one of those stable people who doesn't have a wide range of emotions, then by all means, celebrate who you are ( it will be a tame celebration, but at least there won't be drama). But if you are like me, and a sunrise can light up your soul, and the sound of rain brings unspeakable joy, and the pain of another is too much to just sit and observe . . . if you are moved deeply by deep things, please don't try to pretend you're not. I don't think there is a better way about this at all ( I used to be condescending and think that EVERYONE should be as emotive as I thought I was - which was funny, as it came on the heels of stuffing all my shit down for most of my life), or at least not a better way that we can prescribe for humanity based on how we react to situations.

I can't get this to un-italicize, so I've stopped trying. Boo :(

Maybe the best way to be fully alive, to have abundant life, is to be fully yourself, whatever that self looks like. Some people can see an image of a starving child and sleep fine that night. Some people want to give the world a hug every time they draw a breath. Most of us exist somewhere in the middle, I imagine, and all of us should strive (and encourage others to strive) to be all we are created to be . . .

For my part, I didn't cry in Garden State. And I'm okay with that - it still touched me deeply.

Also, I will never start off a blog in italics again.

. . . you've got yourself stuck in a moment, and you can't get out of it . . .

At different points over the past year and change or so, I've blogged about feeling restless . . . this feeling of a storm inside me, pulling me in every direction without any indication of where I should go. At times like these, I just get an urge to GO, somewhere, anywhere . . .

For the time being, though, all my transportation plans hinge on someone else. I can, of course, still walk, but there are few places that I can walk to that I feel like going to when I am restless.

I like how Bono sums this up - the idea of being stuck in a moment - because it isn't just physically that I feel stuck. There is this urge to . . . hmmm . . . grow? I'm not quite sure how to phrase it. Progress might be a better way - an urge to progress in life, to get closer to where I'm going.

Yet there have been a lot of signs indicating that staying is the best option, letting roots grow deep where I am.

If you think about a tree, we only see the growth on the outside, above ground, and it is there that our awe and, dare I say respect for trees is found - in what we can see of its leaves and branches and trunk. When was the last time you marvelled at the beauty of a sequoia's roots? Or of the root system of a maple?

Yet where would these trees be without deep roots?


And consider also what roots are for. They provide nutrients from the soil, yes, but also are an anchor for the tree. A tree survives storms because its roots are strong.


So while I'm finding it hard to enjoy this particular aspect of this season of life, I understand the significance and merit of it. Without a deep rooted sense of who I am and what I am made for, the same storms that took me out before will keep having a say on what course my life takes, instead of being mere annoyances to push on through.

And the pull I feel in many directions? Well, I feel a bit of a pull back to Ontario, where I will be an uncle sometime around the middle of October. I feel a pull to the wild, to just eke out a living in a cabin somewhere and feel freer than I have before. I feel a pull to Holland and Scotland, where my family is from. I feel a strong pull to my friends here, who I love so very much. There is a pull to Uganda, to rescue child soldiers, and a pull to Thailand, to free little boys and girls from the perverse indulgences of men who are not worthy to be called that. And there is a pull to see the person in the world I miss the most . . .

I'd love to say there is no rush, but in all reality life is forever slipping away, and the days we have left to do that which is worth doing will not wait for us to decide what to do. And, yet, reckless action just for the sake of doing SOMETHING is ill-advised as well.

If you're getting frustrated reading this at all, then maybe you can empathize with where I'm at right now.

Butterfly Effect

That's right Sara - it's E-ffect. But only in this case. I think yours (you'res? jk) was affect. Meh.


I used to regret a lot of things. I used to regret how I ruined my relationship with Tamara, how I didn't go to Guelph for English, how I didn't go to Kenya to work in an orphanage right after school, how I did a ton of things in my first six months in Calgary that I never should have, and how I've done a better job of falling down than walking.

It's slowly (and painfully) starting to dawn on me, though, that not one of those things could be absent and still result in the complex kaleidoscopic picture of who I am. I can't change any of the things I used to regret and still get who I am today - and I friggin love who I am today.

While that may sound vain to some, it's great to hear from a guy who used to have such low self esteem that he would let himself be manipulated, be told what he needed, be told that this here or that there would make him happy.

To be happy with yourself, to love yourself and enjoy your own company - that is something good and holy.

So if you find yourself stuck in a moment, worrying about things in the past that you can no longer change, take a good hard look at yourself. Do you like what you see? If so, then there is no need to regret anything - because all of it, the good and the bad, the things you could control and the things you couldn't, all had a hand in making you that oh so very unique expression of humanity that you are. And if you DON'T like what you see ( and keep in mind, we're going beyond the cosmetic here - look yourself in the eye ) then let's talk about why. I'm serious. Hit me up at gregorythomasfrench@gmail.com . I'll never promise answers, but I can promise that I'll care and I'll listen.

"It's fourth and fifteen and you're looking at a full-court press. "

Today I am sick.

I'm blogging right now because I didn't go into work, and if I don't have something quantitative that I can hold up and say "Here! I did something today!" then I'll never be able to sleep tonight. It's weird, eh, the things that make us who we are - I'm learning that I am particularly driven to get things done each day, and if it's on my list to do and it doesn't get accomplished, then that day may as well not have happened.

Also, the achievements of yesterday - they are in the past, forgotten, as if they never existed. Now, this applies more to my life at work then my personal life, but the two are intertwined at points. But really, it fleshes out like this - let's say I did something so far above and beyond the expectations of what I would do that I get a raise or something, just completely blow someone away. I'd go home, have supper, go to bed, wake up, and then treat that day as if I was starting all over again. Yesterday was nice, but right now we have today, and ONLY today.

Sometimes, though, there are laurels you DO wish to rest on, and in the reverse of what I said earlier, I find they happen more in my personal life then at work. But the two are intertwined at points.

Heart Mountain, in the Alberta Rockies near Canmore, has an elevation of just over 7,000 feet. And this past weekend, I was part of a group of co-workers who made it up at least 6,500 of those feet (rough estimate).

I wish I could write what it feels like to me to scale a mountain - small though Heart Mountain be - and sit at the top (or close to it), looking out over matchless beauty. Rarely do I feel so alive. One of my greatest dreams is to fly, and when looking down at the rest of creation so far below, I get a sense of what makes eagles want to keep soaring. It touches deep down inside me somewhere, resonates with a kind of primal intensity.

I feel like a man.

Please don't dismiss this as empty machismo. I'm sure if I was a woman, I'd be writing about how this experience makes me feel like a woman as well. Maybe that's just the point - that we've so cut ourselves off from our "outer selves" (props to Moosehead) that going BACK to the wild like this is going back to something that makes us who we are, both as individuals and collectively.

In any event, I'm quite proud of this feat. I'm going back to get to the top. And I've already got my next "big thing" to achieve planned - running a 10 k in September. If you knew me at all a few seconds ago even, this would seem out of character for Greg. I don't know what to say other than that it's a physical manifestation of a spiritual happening - that in my deepest personal life, there have been victories I thought I'd never see, and now I want to DO things I thought I'd never do.

Maybe this is the sinus congestion talking, maybe it's the cocktail of cough syrup / vitamin c / echinacea / advil that I've ingested over the last little bit, but I love life, love MY life, more than I ever have before.

Or, I will once I'm healthy. Boo for being sick in June.

PS - I think I may be done with the Frank Drebin thing for now. The header makes a TON of sense to me for this blog, but I don't think I can explain it. And I fear that once my head clears, I'll come back and have no clue why I wrote it in . . . oh well.

The truth hurts, doesn't it, Hapsburg? Oh sure, maybe not as much as landing on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts!

That it does.

Having someone call you on behavior that you didn't see in yourself kinda sucks. I'm realizing how needed it is, sure, but today it hit me as to why. Kinda like a puzzle coming together, I had all the pieces but wasn't seeing the picture. Let me explain.

In the front of my Bible, along with several other sayings I've treasured over the years, is this gem - It's our behaviour towards people, what we do and don't do, that fosters credibility - NOT our good intentions.

I imagine that I am like most people in that I am consistently putting my actions in the best light possible - I mean, if I thought I was doing wrong, I just wouldn't do it. Today something happened that spoke a message to my friend about how I was disposed that certainly didn't reflect what was actually going on inside me. I was losing in a video game, and I was getting more and more quiet as the game dragged on. All I said at the end was "Good game" as I left.

Now, I knew she wasn't impressed. And for honesty's sake, I'm gonna give as much detail as I can here about what was going on in me. I spent a good amount of time thinking about how she should learn to let things go if my silence was bothering her that much (which I've had people say to me before), and I spent an even better chunk of time thinking about how I'M the one who needs to learn to let things go sometimes (in all honesty, being overly competitive isn't normally a problem for me anymore. And it is kinda bugging me that it seems to be again). And in the end, I resolved to apologize, because the truth hurt.

See, I was sensing that I had been a bit of a jerk. And what I'm learning is that when you get that sensation, just stop rationalizing, stop defending yourself, stop trying to come out on top, and accept the harshness of the truth - despite your best intentions, this is what you were communicating. This is what you were saying (whatever the this may be in your situation - in mine, though I don't know precisely what it was, it did a whole lot to kill the fun in what should have been an enjoyable time with two friends).

Now, though I apologize far more frequently than I would ever thought I could (time was I was never wrong, in my own eyes), it's never gotten any easier for me. Mostly I just kinda suck it up and do it, like putting hydrogen peroxide on a cut - it hurts, and you don't enjoy it, but you'll be better for it.

And I was. Or am. Better for it. As a bonus, I got to see just how much of a jerk I had been (a big one, apparently). And though things aren't perfect, I feel as though they are better, on the right track.

So why am I sharing all this?

I think we've all been there - when our actions say something we aren't aware of. And I think we've all had the first thought that I had - but that's not what I MEANT!

Audiences negotiate meaning, though, if MacLuhan is to be believed. So sure, the truth was that I wasn't nearly as pissed off as I was showing, but the truth in this case is even bigger than that - my actions were causing a rift. So rather than defend "my side of the story", I wanted to affirm that someone else's side has merit.

It is our actions that foster credibility after all, NOT our intentions. I don't know about you, but methinks I shall pay closer attention to my actions - because really, most days I wake up, and what's going on inside of me is something like this :

I LOVE LIFE! I WANNA GIVE THE WORLD A HUG AND HAVE EVERYONE BREAK OUT IN SONG AND DANCE LIKE THE SOUND OF MUSIC OR SOMETHING AND THEN HAVE A BIG PICNIC IN THE PARK WHERE EVERYONE IS WELCOME, ESPECIALLY THOSE TWO HOMELESS GUYS WHO ARE JUST WAKING UP WHEN I WALK INTO WORK!

I'd apologize for the run on, but it's early when I think this thought. But anyway, this is what is usually going on in me for most of my waking hours. And I feel like there is something good in me that I want to share with everyone, everywhere.


And all that can be derailed by acting like a little child when I lose a simple little game of hockey. Boo.


Truth hurts, eh?