FD, once again, my thanks.
Sara and I usually have good chats. Sometimes she'll do a lot of talking, and I'll do a lot of listening, and other times I'll talk and she'll listen, offering more insights than I think she gives herself credit for.
But I found myself thinking as I went to bed last night, that there are people living not 30 seconds from our door who couldn't care less about the things that we deemed necessary to talk about that night, or any other time for that matter. And half a world away, there are people who I'll never meet, who will never meet me, who aren't affected at all by the things that keep me up at night. They have their own worries and fears.
And that's just it, isn't it. We all have things that seem to consume our thoughts, we all have problems, we all have issues with SOMETHING in life. And maybe it doesn't amount to much in the grand scope of things, in the macrocosm of life here on earth. But in the microcosm of OUR lives here in OUR little corner of earth, these beanhills are enough to engulf us.
This is our hill, and these are our beans.
And over there, that is their hill, and those are their beans.
And all these little beanhills, tiny in the big picture, are enough to be devastating to one person.
Here is where I make a point that ties this whole thing together : If you agree with me that this is true, how about being intentional with me about not adding to anyone's beanhill anymore? People got enough problems on their own - why add to it. I mean, it'll happen anyway, because we're all humans and no one's perfect, but I think we can do a better job collectively about finding ways to voice our praise as quickly as we voice our criticisms, of being as free with our love as we are with our scorn, of being as comfortable to be around as we want others to be. What's that? Be the change you wish to see in the world? Sounds good to me.
Sidenote - I've taken it upon myself (and w Sara's encouragement) to use as many FD quotes as I can as subject headers in this bloggy thingy AND still make it pertinent to my thoughts du jour, as it were. Should be fun.
G
5.26.2010
5.24.2010
You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan. . .
Frank Drebin, human quote machine, and the source of the today's titular musings.
I've probably talked about this before, but you ever notice how much of our life is spent minimizing risk? I'm not talking about needless things like seatbelts (not that needless, actually) and school zone speed limits (honestly, just stay off the damn road. That's what I was told growing up. Look both ways and stay where you are.) But we have hand sanitizers at every building entrance, we have Lysol that can kill 99.9 % of germs ( yes, ALL germs are deadly and will probably eat your flesh at the first chance), we have insurance for EVERYTHING (apparently in Alberta your car has to be insured to operate it on the road. Go figure.)
All kidding aside, it bugs me that we are such safety freaks as a society. Maybe it's the only way for a large number of people to be living in such close quarters, but then maybe that's the issue right there. Regardless of whether or not you take the Genesis account of man's early history to be literal or figurative, or if you believe that some half ape descendant of a mammal fish reptile hybrid is your ancestor, it seems to me that cities (and the seeming safety they provide) are not necessary for humans to live, to really live.
If so, why the fascination with nature? Is there anyone who detests a garden? Anyone who despises the sun, the sky? Even good city planning allows for plenty of green spaces, because we all know how much we love them. And it's like we can handle nature provided we can tame it, maybe because we are trying so desperately to tame ourselves. We applaud people who are level headed, who are self controlled, and well we should. But that doesn't mean tame, docile, borderline narcoleptic.
I want to applaud more people who took a chance and failed. And I know how cliche this may sound, but the only real failure is not trying. So go ahead - dream big, take a chance, and if you fall flat on your face, well, I've been there, and it's a great place to start planning again.
There is nothing in my life that I (or others) would consider a failure that I would want to do over, because everything has made me who I am today. On the flip side, there ARE things I have yet to do that, should I fail to do them, I may always wonder "What if . . . ?"
I've probably talked about this before, but you ever notice how much of our life is spent minimizing risk? I'm not talking about needless things like seatbelts (not that needless, actually) and school zone speed limits (honestly, just stay off the damn road. That's what I was told growing up. Look both ways and stay where you are.) But we have hand sanitizers at every building entrance, we have Lysol that can kill 99.9 % of germs ( yes, ALL germs are deadly and will probably eat your flesh at the first chance), we have insurance for EVERYTHING (apparently in Alberta your car has to be insured to operate it on the road. Go figure.)
All kidding aside, it bugs me that we are such safety freaks as a society. Maybe it's the only way for a large number of people to be living in such close quarters, but then maybe that's the issue right there. Regardless of whether or not you take the Genesis account of man's early history to be literal or figurative, or if you believe that some half ape descendant of a mammal fish reptile hybrid is your ancestor, it seems to me that cities (and the seeming safety they provide) are not necessary for humans to live, to really live.
If so, why the fascination with nature? Is there anyone who detests a garden? Anyone who despises the sun, the sky? Even good city planning allows for plenty of green spaces, because we all know how much we love them. And it's like we can handle nature provided we can tame it, maybe because we are trying so desperately to tame ourselves. We applaud people who are level headed, who are self controlled, and well we should. But that doesn't mean tame, docile, borderline narcoleptic.
I want to applaud more people who took a chance and failed. And I know how cliche this may sound, but the only real failure is not trying. So go ahead - dream big, take a chance, and if you fall flat on your face, well, I've been there, and it's a great place to start planning again.
There is nothing in my life that I (or others) would consider a failure that I would want to do over, because everything has made me who I am today. On the flip side, there ARE things I have yet to do that, should I fail to do them, I may always wonder "What if . . . ?"
5.23.2010
Valentine's Day . . .
Yes, thank you. I realize it is not February 14th.
The V Day I allude to in the header is the film, one in which everyone ever appears in, and one which made me cry a little ( big surprise there). It also made me want to get to know this cat called Rumi a little better . . .
- Rumi
I like that - "love's confusing joy". Is anything more confusing than the joy love brings? Hear me out - we get told to excel, to do our best. So far so good. But perhaps less directly if not more importantly, we are told to carve out our own little kingdoms, our own little empires. We're told to find what is ours and hang on to it for dear life. The message behind most ads (and really, the only way the ad industry continues to exist) is that I DESERVE THIS. I NEED THIS. THIS SHOULD BE MINE.
We are so fond of this thing called independence (and the ownership of stuff that accompanies it) that we have even mistakenly associated it with freedom.
I know, right? Freedom and independence NOT being one and the same? Yeah, it had me for a bit too. I think we'd all agree that no man is an island, right? That our actions are significant, have meaning, carry weight. And that those actions affect those around us, be it for better or worse. And then THEIR actions affect us and others, and so on and so forth. Well, we are so dependent on each other, and more significantly, on our Maker, for life to have any meaning at all.
Come up with something worthwhile that does not affect people. And please, if you find it, let me know. Because anything worth doing is going to affect someone other than us - there's no escaping it. And I'd go even further, and say that anything worth doing and devoting time to is going to better the lives of people around us ( and those who seek to argue that bettering the lives of flora and fauna around the planet miss my point - I'm not saying we're just dependent on people. No, we depend on everything living here.)
So in short, anything worth doing is going to stem from love.
And the things not worth doing? Well, they stem from something that is not love. I'm not sure exactly how to define it, but selfishness, greed - these come close. So living JUST for your own pleasure, living JUST for you, living JUST for that raise or promotion or self improvement or self confidence or self worth or self assurance or self love or self awareness or anything else is going to be devoid of joy.
So really, the things that seem to be so important? Trivial. Empty.
What we really want is love's confusing joy, this deep sense of everything being alright in the world that stems from living in a way that seeks to better those around us, and seeks to allow them to better us as well. It's confusing because it goes against our nature. It is joy because it is a positivity that does not depend on emotions. And it is love because it embraces the need for others and celebrates this interdependency in a non exploitative way.
The V Day I allude to in the header is the film, one in which everyone ever appears in, and one which made me cry a little ( big surprise there). It also made me want to get to know this cat called Rumi a little better . . .
If you want what visible reality
can give, you're an employee.
If you want the unseen world,
you're not living your truth.
Both wishes are foolish,
but you'll be forgiven for forgetting
that what you really want is
love's confusing joy.- Rumi
I like that - "love's confusing joy". Is anything more confusing than the joy love brings? Hear me out - we get told to excel, to do our best. So far so good. But perhaps less directly if not more importantly, we are told to carve out our own little kingdoms, our own little empires. We're told to find what is ours and hang on to it for dear life. The message behind most ads (and really, the only way the ad industry continues to exist) is that I DESERVE THIS. I NEED THIS. THIS SHOULD BE MINE.
We are so fond of this thing called independence (and the ownership of stuff that accompanies it) that we have even mistakenly associated it with freedom.
I know, right? Freedom and independence NOT being one and the same? Yeah, it had me for a bit too. I think we'd all agree that no man is an island, right? That our actions are significant, have meaning, carry weight. And that those actions affect those around us, be it for better or worse. And then THEIR actions affect us and others, and so on and so forth. Well, we are so dependent on each other, and more significantly, on our Maker, for life to have any meaning at all.
Come up with something worthwhile that does not affect people. And please, if you find it, let me know. Because anything worth doing is going to affect someone other than us - there's no escaping it. And I'd go even further, and say that anything worth doing and devoting time to is going to better the lives of people around us ( and those who seek to argue that bettering the lives of flora and fauna around the planet miss my point - I'm not saying we're just dependent on people. No, we depend on everything living here.)
So in short, anything worth doing is going to stem from love.
And the things not worth doing? Well, they stem from something that is not love. I'm not sure exactly how to define it, but selfishness, greed - these come close. So living JUST for your own pleasure, living JUST for you, living JUST for that raise or promotion or self improvement or self confidence or self worth or self assurance or self love or self awareness or anything else is going to be devoid of joy.
So really, the things that seem to be so important? Trivial. Empty.
What we really want is love's confusing joy, this deep sense of everything being alright in the world that stems from living in a way that seeks to better those around us, and seeks to allow them to better us as well. It's confusing because it goes against our nature. It is joy because it is a positivity that does not depend on emotions. And it is love because it embraces the need for others and celebrates this interdependency in a non exploitative way.
5.19.2010
Inglis Falls & the Beauty of Rain
Going back to the theology of place . . . I'm so blessed to have lived in Owen Sound. If you know anything about the OS, allow that to sink in for a second, because most people I went to school with there couldn't wait to leave it.When we first moved up there, I was 18, and we lived near a little gem of a place called Inglis Falls.
Here's the catch though - I don't think of any of the houses we've lived in in OS as home.
Nope. It's the woods surrounding the falls that feels the most like home to me. In thinking about places that have deep meaning to me, the trails in the 200 plus acres of woodland around the falls is so familiar to me, even after all these years ( I went for a hike there in 2008, so maybe it's changed a little . . . ). The way the wind talks through the trees, the markings left by deer, the way the air feels minutes before a storm.
It started to rain a little today, and I got homesick (keep in mind I consider these woods to be home). One of my favorite memories of home is walking through the woods as a storm was brewing, and if you've ever experienced a Southern Ontario thunderstorm, you know how you can just TASTE that creation is about to explode in some kind of primordial symphony. I love how very small and very ALIVE it made me feel to be walking through the trees ( walking? I'd CLIMB them - not intelligent, perhaps, but that was more a heart decision than a head one) and tasting the rain and FEELING the thunder deep within me and being dazzled by the lightning . . .
I hope there is a thunderstorm tonight. Calgary's air doesn't feel the same to me, so I can't tell as well, but I'd love to feel a good thunderstorm soon . . . to say nothing of the rain.
Rain just makes everything feel clean to me. And the fact that it rains most in the spring, a time of rebirth and renewal, is just perfect . . .
5.17.2010
Sky Diving and Theology of Place . . .
You ever have the wind whip through your hair as you stick your head out of a moving car? Ever CLIMB out of a moving car and perch on the window sill (not quite sure what else to call it; also, don't try this while driving. It doesn't work. Also, maybe just don't try this and take my word for how awesome it is.)
It's awesome.
And, since you can't discern tone when reading a blog, it's less a surfer dude and more a little boy with eyes wide open at the world around him . . . intelligent, but awestruck.
Or . . . what about these :
Which I didn't.
That also feels a lot like me and God . . . like, all he asks of me is this one little thing, and he's doing all the real work, I just have to do what he says. And I can't even do that.
Now, normally, my need/want to excel and achieve would kick into overdrive, and I'd ramp up the effort to try and prove myself when it feels like I'm failing, but sky diving taught me something else . . .
Absent the chute, no amount of effort can stop your fall. Skydiving is NOT about your ability to stop your fall, it's about your ability to jump and trust.
Since then, the sky has been a holy place for me. I've wanted to go back. And I get physically sick (actually) if I go too long without basking in wide open expanses. I think we all have places that are significant in our lives for whatever reason, and going near them, being reminded of them, it brings us somewhere, be it good or bad . . .
I think maybe the list of places I wanna go that I've been working on? Perhaps for now it'll be less exotic, and more familiar. Maybe I need to following this ridiculous urging to jump and trust that I won't fall . . . more on that later though.
G
It's awesome.
And, since you can't discern tone when reading a blog, it's less a surfer dude and more a little boy with eyes wide open at the world around him . . . intelligent, but awestruck.
Or . . . what about these :
- watching the sunset over Lake Erie / Ontario / Superior / Huron, the calm breeze wrapping its arms around you, the dying embers of the day reflecting in the mirror of the water . . .
- reaching the summit of the biggest hill / rock / mountain you've ever been on, and turning to look at seemingly familiar terrain with new eyes from a new vantage point . . .
- plunging into the depths of a cave / crevasse, the fear of the unknown and the fear of the dark no match for the rush of adventure . . .
- the way time stands still as you ponder your decision to jump from a perfectly good plane, all the while coming face to face with your own mortality . . . the wind taking your breath, and the view take away whatever breath you might have left . . .
Which I didn't.
That also feels a lot like me and God . . . like, all he asks of me is this one little thing, and he's doing all the real work, I just have to do what he says. And I can't even do that.
Now, normally, my need/want to excel and achieve would kick into overdrive, and I'd ramp up the effort to try and prove myself when it feels like I'm failing, but sky diving taught me something else . . .
Absent the chute, no amount of effort can stop your fall. Skydiving is NOT about your ability to stop your fall, it's about your ability to jump and trust.
Since then, the sky has been a holy place for me. I've wanted to go back. And I get physically sick (actually) if I go too long without basking in wide open expanses. I think we all have places that are significant in our lives for whatever reason, and going near them, being reminded of them, it brings us somewhere, be it good or bad . . .
I think maybe the list of places I wanna go that I've been working on? Perhaps for now it'll be less exotic, and more familiar. Maybe I need to following this ridiculous urging to jump and trust that I won't fall . . . more on that later though.
G
5.10.2010
5.09.2010
Amazing Race
So.
I usually don't get into reality TV too much - my idea of Survivor being to have 16 constentants start on a deserted island with nothing but a bell or something on the beach that you ring / whatever to indicate you want off (c'mon, Jeff Probst, it'd be KILLER TV) - but since moving, my friend Sara has kinda got me into the Amazing Race.
Side note - perhaps it's that something is made enjoyable to watch due to the company you watch it with . . . hmmmm.
At any rate, the show concluded it's 15th race tonight.
And now I want to travel.
I actually can't sleep right now - the thought of gallavanting across the globe is in the forefront of my mind . . . . so, tonight, I'll be dreaming / falling asleep thinking of me doing my best Phileas Fogg . . . and tomorrow, I'll let you know what the trip would look like.
Places defo on the short list - and all of them have a reason - include Iceland, Israel, New Zealand, Australia, Irelan and all of the UK, and Easter Island, just for shits and giggles.
AND - I'll be looking for a Passpourtout (spelling?)
I usually don't get into reality TV too much - my idea of Survivor being to have 16 constentants start on a deserted island with nothing but a bell or something on the beach that you ring / whatever to indicate you want off (c'mon, Jeff Probst, it'd be KILLER TV) - but since moving, my friend Sara has kinda got me into the Amazing Race.
Side note - perhaps it's that something is made enjoyable to watch due to the company you watch it with . . . hmmmm.
At any rate, the show concluded it's 15th race tonight.
And now I want to travel.
I actually can't sleep right now - the thought of gallavanting across the globe is in the forefront of my mind . . . . so, tonight, I'll be dreaming / falling asleep thinking of me doing my best Phileas Fogg . . . and tomorrow, I'll let you know what the trip would look like.
Places defo on the short list - and all of them have a reason - include Iceland, Israel, New Zealand, Australia, Irelan and all of the UK, and Easter Island, just for shits and giggles.
AND - I'll be looking for a Passpourtout (spelling?)
5.06.2010
Open Book . . .
Hey
Part of me questions the wisdom of what I'm about to do, and most of me realizes that we are all of us broken, and the more we embrace that and the upside down beauty of it, and the more we share from our own brokeness and hear of others', the more we open ourselves up to the remaking process. Honesty is the key, and it is frightening. It means allowing someone else to see who you really are - you know, that person that exists in that time and space when no one else is around, that person whose irrational fears feel more real when they are alone in the dark, the person whose heart sings at the wierdest thing, the person who can't sleep at night sometimes for reasons that no one would understand even if articulation would be achieved.
But I really believe it is the best way. Maybe not the only way, but certainly the best way to be fully human and live an abundant life. It can get really confusing if you try to be open and honest with those who don't also embrace honesty - hence the warning about the pearls and the swine - but if Jesus life teaches us anything, it is that those things that are most precious are the most costly, and there is no room for seeking to be comfortable above all else.
So as uncomfortable as this is (rendered more comfortable by the fact that I am typing and not talking to someone), allow me to finally begin. I'm going to name names and all, because I want you to know that this is my life, through my eyes, as best as I can describe it, and not some mere musings on how things might be.
If you are familiar with my story at all (or have been in contact with me regularly since I stepped down as a youth pastor 2 and a half years ago), then allow me to express a measure of sympathy. I know the cycles seem endless, the wounds seem self inflicted, and if I could "just get over it", I would move on with my life and feel much better. I'm smiling a little as I write this, because I find humour in odd places, but odds are good you've heard me express a sentiment along these lines:
*People's lives are better when I am not in their lives
*I am a burden to those that know me
*No one knows me
*Everyone will leave me
Again, I know it can be a little tiring hearing this. No one is more tired of it than I am. The thing is, there is a pattern that emerges . . .
I was re-reading my journal from the past two years, and noticing that periods of time where there was relative peace - mentally, emotionally, spiritually - were followed with periods of intense . . . for lack of a better word, attacks, on the things I was at peace about.
Somewhere along the way, my sense of identity became a weak spot for me, as I assume it either can be or IS for all of us in some way. Though I rarely worry about my looks (though I DO worry at times), and I hardly ever worry about my ability to entertain people, make friends, have meaningful conversations, BE a good friend, I find the attacks come in the form of a little voice that tells me I cannot trust what is going on - it is all a lie. No one REALLY wants to genuinely know me - no one REALLY wants to develop a mutually beneficial relationship with me.
For some of you (and I feel I know this from previous conversations) this line of attack would be useless. You have been blessed with a sense of stability in life, where without even thinking about it too much, you have been the recepient of an atmosphere that fostered trust.
For the first 19 years of my life, the one man I thought was my best friend in the world, the man I looked up and respected and wanted to BE like, was someone else. I don't know what it's like to have that friend who has been by your side when the shit hits the fan, because at the time of my most epic failures, I was alone, without people I felt I could be honest with. I have seen power struggles in a community of people that is supposed to be the expression of Christ's presence in the world that have left the participants scarred for life. I have been on the receiving end of judgmental attitudes from people that I opened up the dark places of my life to, hoping for guidance and mercy.
In short, there hasn't been a whole lot up until the fall of 08 that cultivated trust in my life. The overwhelming messages I grew up with were - be someone people will appreciate. Sacrifice for the good of others. Combine those two, and you have a very confused young man who has a performance based view of love - I have worth dependant on how well I do, and the moment I do something wrong, my worth is gone.
I know, right? :) Sounds so stupid when I read it, and it is. But, be honest - have you ever been there? Thinking that asking God for one more chance means you've asked for one more chance too many? That you've reached the limit of grace? That, just like how it FEELS (emphasis on feels) like everyone has abandoned you, God is about to abandon you?
Well, God is nothing if not constantly at work to redeem all things, restore all things, make all things new.
And in the fall of 08, this former youth pastor (honestly, that feels like several lifetimes ago instead of merely 2 years) was blessed with the opportunity to teach a Bible study. And he loved it. He missed it. He missed the fight - missed being used to shed light on dark areas, missed how exciting it was to feel like God was right beside you, so close you could reach out and take the had that was undoubtedly offered to you, missed laughing - REALLY laughing, that kind of deep, soul shaking laugh.
And then it was gone. It felt sudden, but really, I think all of us in ALC knew something big was going down. From my viewpoint, it sucked, because it meant at least two people who I had opened myself up to in ways I had never done before would be leaving my life in some way, shape or form. Dale and DeeDee Balce are still two of the most incredible people I've ever met, and I'll always treasure our Tuesday night group. Brad was moving back to Vancouver, taking with him his sense of humour and rock like faith. Ernesto . . . well, Ernesto is home now. I miss him. I haven't spoken to John since then.
See, these people matter to me because PEOPLE matter - and if my wounds (and all of ours, probably) are relational in origin, does it not follow that God uses relationships to heal our wounds? He's something else though, this God of ours - though this healing work depends on people, it does not depend on one particular person . . .
I've said it before, and I'll say it again - I love Asher and Dayna Cubid. I've met Jesus because I've hung out with them. And around the time that my previous hope for salvation was disintegrating (just like my other previous plans - being a youth pastor, marrying Tamara, ), we started hanging out. And I will always be thankful that they invited me out to wings that one night :)
Mike and Trish Swalm - whose names you've undoubtedly seen mentioned here before - have been incredibly patient with me over the past few years. I think more than anyone else, Mike has seen the stupid cycles I seem doomed to repeat, and the fact that he still lets me talk about some of the same things over and over again is a testament to God's existence and his working through people.
Somewhere around this time, it started hitting me that a) I need to be more willing to let people go, let them be what they are meant to be and not expect them to be Who only God can be . . . and b) that the mask of lies I had worn for years, where I always tried to present mtyself in the best light possible, had to go.
And it's funny, because these are things Tamara had seen in me long ago, and had begged me to change, told me our future depended on it, that she couldn't marry someone who wanted her to be what only God could be, someone who couldn't look her in the eye and tell her the truth. Fear overcame love and logic then . . .
But no more.
Side note - while I'm talking about cycles, and how I often seem to repeat things / hang on to them, to the chagrin of those who love me . . . when I say I miss Tamara, it's not that I want things to be the way they were. I don't ever want to go back to what our relationship looked like again. It's that I've seen what has transpired in my life, and I know she saw things in me that weren't that evident back then . . . and I guess I want to let her know that they were true. I realize I don't have to - that I'm going to have a pretty stellar life no matter what. I just know that the same God who has done a lot of healing in my life has been busy in hers as well, and I think that more than any other people we both know, we'd have a better sense of joy over seeing how far we've come because we've seen each other at pretty low points. And as ridiculous as it sounds, (not to mention unlikely), how kick ass would it be if God showed how mighty he is by restorign us from our mess? Not that it HAS to happen.
There. Glad I said that. And should it seem foolish for us to even converse again, well, grace looks wierd from the outside looking in I suppose.
So while I'm coming to realize that here, in Calgary, a place where I was a stranger not 2 years ago, I have found deep friendships with people I would take a bullet for, no questions asked, with people who know things about I wanted to keep secret for years but love me anyway, and while I am learning to let God be God and people be people and celebrate our own wonderful finiteness, and while I am learning that I don't need to be pleasing everyone all the time in order to have worth . . .
I am taking back ground that was held by someone else for far too long, and power and control are things he does not relinquish without a fight.
So
My weaknesses? My wounds? The things God is healing? They're still the easiest way to take me out. And they are still targeted, and probably will be for most of my life. God doesn't take them away, but works through them, cuz He can. I'll probably spend most of the rest of my life fighting this internal battle - and though it make take different shapes, it will always rage. Peace is promised at the end, and we are not there yet.
In the meantime, I am mature enough to know I haven't a chance in hell of standing on my own. So Asher, Dayna, Mike, Trish, Sara, Trevor, Rachel, Mom, Annalies, Kara, Erika, Dad ( and I need you all to know this - no one is beyond redemption), Rick, Coach, Mary, Carla, Micah, Jay, Brian, Brad, Dale, Deedee, George, Marah, Melena, Peggy, Andrew, Josh, Dave, Nikayla, Mike, Krista, Christine, and anyone else I've ever let into my life in a significant way . . .
I need you. Where once I loathed any seeming dependence on other people for anything (and still pride myself on quite a measure of independence), I embrace that I need you.
G
PS Feel quite a sense of relief at getting that all out. Odds are good that it's only coherent to me (and even that isn't a given), but as always, I hope you find something in here beneficial for your life - it's why I share.
Part of me questions the wisdom of what I'm about to do, and most of me realizes that we are all of us broken, and the more we embrace that and the upside down beauty of it, and the more we share from our own brokeness and hear of others', the more we open ourselves up to the remaking process. Honesty is the key, and it is frightening. It means allowing someone else to see who you really are - you know, that person that exists in that time and space when no one else is around, that person whose irrational fears feel more real when they are alone in the dark, the person whose heart sings at the wierdest thing, the person who can't sleep at night sometimes for reasons that no one would understand even if articulation would be achieved.
But I really believe it is the best way. Maybe not the only way, but certainly the best way to be fully human and live an abundant life. It can get really confusing if you try to be open and honest with those who don't also embrace honesty - hence the warning about the pearls and the swine - but if Jesus life teaches us anything, it is that those things that are most precious are the most costly, and there is no room for seeking to be comfortable above all else.
So as uncomfortable as this is (rendered more comfortable by the fact that I am typing and not talking to someone), allow me to finally begin. I'm going to name names and all, because I want you to know that this is my life, through my eyes, as best as I can describe it, and not some mere musings on how things might be.
If you are familiar with my story at all (or have been in contact with me regularly since I stepped down as a youth pastor 2 and a half years ago), then allow me to express a measure of sympathy. I know the cycles seem endless, the wounds seem self inflicted, and if I could "just get over it", I would move on with my life and feel much better. I'm smiling a little as I write this, because I find humour in odd places, but odds are good you've heard me express a sentiment along these lines:
*People's lives are better when I am not in their lives
*I am a burden to those that know me
*No one knows me
*Everyone will leave me
Again, I know it can be a little tiring hearing this. No one is more tired of it than I am. The thing is, there is a pattern that emerges . . .
I was re-reading my journal from the past two years, and noticing that periods of time where there was relative peace - mentally, emotionally, spiritually - were followed with periods of intense . . . for lack of a better word, attacks, on the things I was at peace about.
Somewhere along the way, my sense of identity became a weak spot for me, as I assume it either can be or IS for all of us in some way. Though I rarely worry about my looks (though I DO worry at times), and I hardly ever worry about my ability to entertain people, make friends, have meaningful conversations, BE a good friend, I find the attacks come in the form of a little voice that tells me I cannot trust what is going on - it is all a lie. No one REALLY wants to genuinely know me - no one REALLY wants to develop a mutually beneficial relationship with me.
For some of you (and I feel I know this from previous conversations) this line of attack would be useless. You have been blessed with a sense of stability in life, where without even thinking about it too much, you have been the recepient of an atmosphere that fostered trust.
For the first 19 years of my life, the one man I thought was my best friend in the world, the man I looked up and respected and wanted to BE like, was someone else. I don't know what it's like to have that friend who has been by your side when the shit hits the fan, because at the time of my most epic failures, I was alone, without people I felt I could be honest with. I have seen power struggles in a community of people that is supposed to be the expression of Christ's presence in the world that have left the participants scarred for life. I have been on the receiving end of judgmental attitudes from people that I opened up the dark places of my life to, hoping for guidance and mercy.
In short, there hasn't been a whole lot up until the fall of 08 that cultivated trust in my life. The overwhelming messages I grew up with were - be someone people will appreciate. Sacrifice for the good of others. Combine those two, and you have a very confused young man who has a performance based view of love - I have worth dependant on how well I do, and the moment I do something wrong, my worth is gone.
I know, right? :) Sounds so stupid when I read it, and it is. But, be honest - have you ever been there? Thinking that asking God for one more chance means you've asked for one more chance too many? That you've reached the limit of grace? That, just like how it FEELS (emphasis on feels) like everyone has abandoned you, God is about to abandon you?
Well, God is nothing if not constantly at work to redeem all things, restore all things, make all things new.
And in the fall of 08, this former youth pastor (honestly, that feels like several lifetimes ago instead of merely 2 years) was blessed with the opportunity to teach a Bible study. And he loved it. He missed it. He missed the fight - missed being used to shed light on dark areas, missed how exciting it was to feel like God was right beside you, so close you could reach out and take the had that was undoubtedly offered to you, missed laughing - REALLY laughing, that kind of deep, soul shaking laugh.
And then it was gone. It felt sudden, but really, I think all of us in ALC knew something big was going down. From my viewpoint, it sucked, because it meant at least two people who I had opened myself up to in ways I had never done before would be leaving my life in some way, shape or form. Dale and DeeDee Balce are still two of the most incredible people I've ever met, and I'll always treasure our Tuesday night group. Brad was moving back to Vancouver, taking with him his sense of humour and rock like faith. Ernesto . . . well, Ernesto is home now. I miss him. I haven't spoken to John since then.
See, these people matter to me because PEOPLE matter - and if my wounds (and all of ours, probably) are relational in origin, does it not follow that God uses relationships to heal our wounds? He's something else though, this God of ours - though this healing work depends on people, it does not depend on one particular person . . .
I've said it before, and I'll say it again - I love Asher and Dayna Cubid. I've met Jesus because I've hung out with them. And around the time that my previous hope for salvation was disintegrating (just like my other previous plans - being a youth pastor, marrying Tamara, ), we started hanging out. And I will always be thankful that they invited me out to wings that one night :)
Mike and Trish Swalm - whose names you've undoubtedly seen mentioned here before - have been incredibly patient with me over the past few years. I think more than anyone else, Mike has seen the stupid cycles I seem doomed to repeat, and the fact that he still lets me talk about some of the same things over and over again is a testament to God's existence and his working through people.
Somewhere around this time, it started hitting me that a) I need to be more willing to let people go, let them be what they are meant to be and not expect them to be Who only God can be . . . and b) that the mask of lies I had worn for years, where I always tried to present mtyself in the best light possible, had to go.
And it's funny, because these are things Tamara had seen in me long ago, and had begged me to change, told me our future depended on it, that she couldn't marry someone who wanted her to be what only God could be, someone who couldn't look her in the eye and tell her the truth. Fear overcame love and logic then . . .
But no more.
Side note - while I'm talking about cycles, and how I often seem to repeat things / hang on to them, to the chagrin of those who love me . . . when I say I miss Tamara, it's not that I want things to be the way they were. I don't ever want to go back to what our relationship looked like again. It's that I've seen what has transpired in my life, and I know she saw things in me that weren't that evident back then . . . and I guess I want to let her know that they were true. I realize I don't have to - that I'm going to have a pretty stellar life no matter what. I just know that the same God who has done a lot of healing in my life has been busy in hers as well, and I think that more than any other people we both know, we'd have a better sense of joy over seeing how far we've come because we've seen each other at pretty low points. And as ridiculous as it sounds, (not to mention unlikely), how kick ass would it be if God showed how mighty he is by restorign us from our mess? Not that it HAS to happen.
There. Glad I said that. And should it seem foolish for us to even converse again, well, grace looks wierd from the outside looking in I suppose.
So while I'm coming to realize that here, in Calgary, a place where I was a stranger not 2 years ago, I have found deep friendships with people I would take a bullet for, no questions asked, with people who know things about I wanted to keep secret for years but love me anyway, and while I am learning to let God be God and people be people and celebrate our own wonderful finiteness, and while I am learning that I don't need to be pleasing everyone all the time in order to have worth . . .
I am taking back ground that was held by someone else for far too long, and power and control are things he does not relinquish without a fight.
So
My weaknesses? My wounds? The things God is healing? They're still the easiest way to take me out. And they are still targeted, and probably will be for most of my life. God doesn't take them away, but works through them, cuz He can. I'll probably spend most of the rest of my life fighting this internal battle - and though it make take different shapes, it will always rage. Peace is promised at the end, and we are not there yet.
In the meantime, I am mature enough to know I haven't a chance in hell of standing on my own. So Asher, Dayna, Mike, Trish, Sara, Trevor, Rachel, Mom, Annalies, Kara, Erika, Dad ( and I need you all to know this - no one is beyond redemption), Rick, Coach, Mary, Carla, Micah, Jay, Brian, Brad, Dale, Deedee, George, Marah, Melena, Peggy, Andrew, Josh, Dave, Nikayla, Mike, Krista, Christine, and anyone else I've ever let into my life in a significant way . . .
I need you. Where once I loathed any seeming dependence on other people for anything (and still pride myself on quite a measure of independence), I embrace that I need you.
G
PS Feel quite a sense of relief at getting that all out. Odds are good that it's only coherent to me (and even that isn't a given), but as always, I hope you find something in here beneficial for your life - it's why I share.
5.03.2010
Bros
Behold, how good and most excellent it is for bros to chillax together, united
Ps. 133:1, GFV
Loved this past weekend. Start on Friday - Josh and I found ourselves enjoying an impromptu Korean lunch ( I heart bulgogi burgers for life), and as natural as breathing, we opened up our lives to each other. It's not easy being in your mid 20s, single, and trying to do your best to live a life that looks something like Jesus - especially as a guy. Not trying to take anything away from the women out there, but none of you in the double x chromosone crew have that added pressure that not only are you NOT supposed to talk about the shit in your life, you're supposed to do it all on your own - that someone THIS makes you who you are.
Sidenote - I am bitter at Rambo for keeping this myth alive.
Anyway, good time w Josh - a lot of good stuff about identity.
Saturday. Asher. Green Street Hooligans. Top contender for favorite movie ever (Slumdog and Life is Beautiful are tough to beat in my eyes though . . . ), and DEFINITELY my new favorite bro movie. Led to a perhaps brief but definitely heartfelt affirmation that no matter what in life, we got each other's back. And more than I could ever thank him for, he's had my back since I've known him.
Trevor also had my back - more on that later . . .
Sunday morning. Playing w Mike and Jay. I love music, I love drumming, and I love the energy that was there on Sunday. I love that we had communion. I love that we celebrated Daniel's birthday. I love that while my pastiness seems to indicate the opposite, I'm a brother to these boys ( Mike can be pasty sometimes too . . . ).
I love that I still get to hang out w one of the guys who first introduced me to the value of bros. I love that neither of us flinched last night, and I love that it would be ridiculous to explain why going shot for shot with towels constitutes bonding. It'd be like trying to explain the premise of GSH - you either get it or you don't. I love that despite age, Trev and I can still be boys. And for the record, he stopped, not me ;) (though I'm not complaining)
Asher, Trevor, Mike, Jay, Josh, Dan - I love you guys.
And to bros far and wide, from Jay and Micah to Brian and Sean - no matter how much time passes between when we talk, I love you guys.
G
Ps. 133:1, GFV
Loved this past weekend. Start on Friday - Josh and I found ourselves enjoying an impromptu Korean lunch ( I heart bulgogi burgers for life), and as natural as breathing, we opened up our lives to each other. It's not easy being in your mid 20s, single, and trying to do your best to live a life that looks something like Jesus - especially as a guy. Not trying to take anything away from the women out there, but none of you in the double x chromosone crew have that added pressure that not only are you NOT supposed to talk about the shit in your life, you're supposed to do it all on your own - that someone THIS makes you who you are.
Sidenote - I am bitter at Rambo for keeping this myth alive.
Anyway, good time w Josh - a lot of good stuff about identity.
Saturday. Asher. Green Street Hooligans. Top contender for favorite movie ever (Slumdog and Life is Beautiful are tough to beat in my eyes though . . . ), and DEFINITELY my new favorite bro movie. Led to a perhaps brief but definitely heartfelt affirmation that no matter what in life, we got each other's back. And more than I could ever thank him for, he's had my back since I've known him.
Trevor also had my back - more on that later . . .
Sunday morning. Playing w Mike and Jay. I love music, I love drumming, and I love the energy that was there on Sunday. I love that we had communion. I love that we celebrated Daniel's birthday. I love that while my pastiness seems to indicate the opposite, I'm a brother to these boys ( Mike can be pasty sometimes too . . . ).
I love that I still get to hang out w one of the guys who first introduced me to the value of bros. I love that neither of us flinched last night, and I love that it would be ridiculous to explain why going shot for shot with towels constitutes bonding. It'd be like trying to explain the premise of GSH - you either get it or you don't. I love that despite age, Trev and I can still be boys. And for the record, he stopped, not me ;) (though I'm not complaining)
Asher, Trevor, Mike, Jay, Josh, Dan - I love you guys.
And to bros far and wide, from Jay and Micah to Brian and Sean - no matter how much time passes between when we talk, I love you guys.
G
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