The Lies . . .

Hey :) Thanks for reading. Today's thoughts might seem a little more personal (which is odd, as this is a rather impersonal way to divulge information), but I feel there is some sort of communal benefit in opening up certain parts of our lives, especially when it is something we all face.

Now, if you're reading this and don't have a world-view that you would describe as 'Christian' in any way, shape, or form, some of this might seem a little far. But I trust that it will resonate in some way with your experiences.

Though I might be off on what I'm about to say, I so strongly believe that I'm not that I take this less as perception and more as reality. We are all of us targets of an enemy, and if Jesus' words in John 10 are true, then this enemy is a thief and comes to kill and steal and destroy, whereas Jesus comes to show a way to life, and that more abundant. I've never bought into the "God as a Cosmic Killjoy" view - though I rarely feel like I understand the actions I attribute to Him, and though I sometimes let bitterness get the best of me, truth is deep down I trust that though life doesn't make sense, God is active in bringing about shalom, a permeating peace. This peace is not so much the absence of conflict as the presence of calm amidst conflict, if that makes any sense.

So if God is active in bringing about good (ie abundant life), then the situations that lead away from an abundance in life are not from Him - abundance here understood as not strictly material. If not from God, then they are from this thief. And their intent and purpose is to kill and steal and destroy, not bless and edify and encourage.

Kind of a messy situation, this, if we try to put all situations in a box and say "This is obviously ALWAYS God's work." I'm not trying to over spiritualize every situation. But these deep things that haunt our sleepless nights, these wounds that pierce us in places we don't let others see, and these hurts that we can't seem to recover from - these are spiritual. If Jesus tells us there is an Enemy who wants to kill and steal and destroy, is it outlandish to suggest that right now, we are under attack in an effort to be killed, to have something stolen from us, to be left destroyed?

Let me make it a little concrete for you here. And I hate classroom kind of arguments or illustrations - imagine a girl who has . . . picture a family that . . .

So here are my hurts, the areas I feel I am lied to. I do this not to seek validation or affirmation (though don't hold back), but to hopefully inspire you to be open about your own hurts.

It's the silence that empowers them.


- I AM A FAILURE. Not just in one particular area, like relationships or career or home cooking or education or whatever. I don't feel I'm particularly good at anything. This isn't a daily thing that I have to battle with, and for the most part, I recognize successes. But it's there, the moment I legitimately don't succeed at something or fall flat on my face. Of all my hurts, it's both one of the most constant ones, and, oddly, one of the easiest to get over.

- I'M NOT WORTH STAYING FOR. This one was big. Historically, it's led to sabotaged friendships in an effort to preemptively avoid getting hurt. Since moving to Calgary, and having some sense of constancy, it's been a lot easier to recognize this lie as soon as it presents itself. Before, it was gospel, and was closely related to

- I WILL BE ABANDONED. Now, you'd think coming to see myself in a new light, letting go of thoughts of unworthiness and all, would lead to the death of this lie. But I guess I still feel like I live in a Truman show like tension - like one day I'll find out for sure that this has all been a sham. I know, it's silly, right? And I recognize this when I say it and write it (part of the reason you are now reading it), but yet, because it hurts so much to be abandoned, this is sort of a no brainer area to pounce on. And not only will I be abandoned, but -

- I WILL ALWAYS BE ALONE. I don't mean alone like no other humans around in a Charleton Heston in The Omega Man kind of way ( or Will Smith in I Am Legend - basically the same story). What I mean by this is that there are parts of me that I really want to share with people, in deep and meaningful ways. I'm not interested in surface level friendships, any kind of camaraderie that doesn't require more of me than a physical presence. In the times that I feel I don't have these (such as a prolonged absence from those I consider my deep true friends), I feel lonely - even if I'm in a stadium of people. And when the absence is lifted and we re connect, we don't have to dive into discussion about our emotions and how we're REALLY doing per se. Sometimes you just need to stick a friend in Halo, or sit and watch the world together, or consume unholy amounts of avian limbs.

K, I dunno about you guys, but I'm feeling a lot better now that those lies are there for all the world to see. Like I said, it's the silence that empowers them.

Here's to abundant living

Dreams Addendum . . .

Oh . . . so, here's another little one that's not really that little to me. I'm working on a book right now, and though it might never ever be read by anyone, and even if read, it might not be enjoyed by anyone, I'm going to publish it. Myself, if I have to. I've wanted to write this thing since I was 18 . . . and not in a "i-want-to-be-a-writer-someday" kind of way. I had my basic plot and my pro- and antagonists on paper, and the first 4 chapters were all done. I've let it slide for a while, and the story has changed significantly from when I started, but it's what I've wanted to do for longer than most people who know me have known me.

So if I don't do it, I don't think I'd think I failed . . . . I just would always regret not finishing it.

Dreams . . . .

Before I start, I write with the full awareness of the fact that many of my dreams will never come true. I'm not saying this to depress anyone, but simply as a matter of fact. Some shouldn't come true, regardless of how badly I want them (really Greg? Turn every workplace into a paintball game?) but I dream anyway . . .

And then there are dreams that are, or at least appear to be, mutually exclusive. Rather than approach the situation like a Catch-22, I try to embrace the truth that it's better to dream big and never live it out than to never dream at all, and then live out one of those dreams wildly and freely.

It still kinda stings, though, knowing that there is a dream that will never happen. Now, hear me on this - none of the things I want to do with my life involve harming others or seeking to profit from harming others. I don't want to benefit from pain, I don't want to cause suffering, I don't want to get rich. Every plan I've ever had for myself has had in the forefront a desire to benefit the most amount of people in the greatest possible way. I used to think this meant speaking to large crowds, but maybe it looks more like influencing that one person who will THEN go on to speak to those crowds . . . and I'm cool with that.

There are some dreams, though, that if they never come to be, will more than likely leave me feeling a bit like my life lacked something. I don't hold this to be true for everyone, but I know myself well enough to know it's true for me . . . .

I want to get married . . . and not just to anyone, and not just to not be alone. The life I live is too grand a thing to keep to myself . . .

I want to have kids. Adopted, my own flesh and blood, or a crazy mix of the two. I'm in.

I want to matter - I want people to miss me when I'm gone, and not just say it because that's what a eulogy is . . .

I want to excel at life, love deeply, laugh freely, give willingly, and hope fearlessly.

I want those who meet me to not be the same for it afterwards.


I want to share in the dreams of others . . .

Moving in / with the Spirit

I feel like theologians have done a pretty good job articulating beliefs about God the Father and God the Son ad naseum. We understand Jesus, in a sense, because he's human like us, and calling someone father makes them easier to relate to (even easier in a negative way - like, if you had a poor father, it is easier to relate to God as Father poorly.)

But the Spirit? Kinda scary. We've seen fathers, and there are people whose writings we trust who have seen Jesus . . . but by his very definition (Spirit) no one has actually seen this third person. And so there is a sense of mystery and, given our fear of things unknown, a tinge of apprehension. We like to KNOW - the entire enlightenment period, and the fields of science and mathematics that flourished under it, are built on the premise that things can be KNOWN. Entire fields of study rest on the constancy of certain things - where would physics be without its laws? Or aerodynamics without Bernoulli? Or chemical engineering without the table of elements? It's a comfort to know that certain things in this earth always act a certain way all the time. We like that they are predictable - it makes them safe.

On the other hand, we have this being who calls Himself God and exists among us know as the Holy Spirit, and we're told that He indwells us and fills us and comforts us and teaches us . . . and because He doesn't have a sweet clue how to exist as a formula, we're not sure what to do.

Let me be clear on what I'm trying to say . . . there are certain ways of addressing the Spirit that I think fall well short of how we should, as much as they come from hearts with good intentions. 'We invite you, Spirit, into this place . . " K, he's already here, already at work. "Spirit, be with us tonight." Again, already here guys. There's two or three gathered in my name . . .

And I don't the school of thought that says that the Spirit works in an orderly fashion. There is a certain amount of disruption on Pentecost - peoples lives are NOT the same after encountering the Spirit. And if you should dare follow where He is leading, it will hardly seem safe or orderly.

The first big decision by the church at the Jerusalem council was not marked by certainty - rather, they said that "it seems right to us and to the Spirit . . " And here is the crux. If you really want to follow this wild and dangerous God who is by no means safe, but is GOOD, you have to be willing to let go of your own rights to control. There is a certain amount of uknown that will always be there. Math and science provide an area to prove thigns with 100% certainty. God? He provides opportunities to dare to believe in what you cannot see as of yet, to dream big and live full. It's kinda like what I imagine white water rafting to be - it's not dangerous per se, but not predictable. Yet the very thing propelling you onward toward rapids is what is ensuring you WILL get there safely. Just don't try to do it alone.

Elpis

Clever, eh? To avoid redundancy, and to make myself seem far more educated than I really am, I choose a word from a rather dead language (sure, it has a modern form - so does english, though.) and VOILA! A new title for the same subject.


I hope (haha) I'm not boring anyone with all this talk about . . . hope. It's just on my mind a lot. Kinda has been most of my life. And I really think that with it is central to what we do as Christians - we hope we are making a difference by our actions to the world around us. Not in a blind, "hey, let's see if this works" kind of way . . . but in a "I'm trusting that whatever happens, in the end, will make sense of what now appears to be chaos."

Really, though, as much as I appear to be hopeful, my knee jerk reaction to certain specific things is pretty negative. We'll get into details later - maybe - but these areas are all intensely personal and rooted in how I think of myself. So though I offer hope to all around me, it seems I don't do such a good job saving some for myself.

I'm not one to complain - honest. I have been richly blessed in this short life of mine. But enough has happened, and I've been exposed to enough personally to know that there seems to be a lack of happy endings in this world. I hope and believe that ultimately, the final ending of this world is good, as there is a completion of the restoration begun as soon as it was needed. Yet for the time being, heartaches and heartbreaks are par for the course, something that is a uniquely human experience - perhaps a way that we are made in God's image?

Emotions are such a powerful thing. Whatever is the next step deeper than feelings ( a state of being?) is even that much more powerful. Hope and despair are two of the most instantly noticed "feelings" (for lack of a better word) that I know of. Ever been around someone who is constantly despondent? How about someone who seems to defecate sunbeams? Notice a difference?

And yes, I could have been less crude there. But on the flip side, I could also have been MORE crude.

Point is, I think it's important to differentiate between an instantaneous emotional reaction to something and your actual belief about the way life is. Mine don't always seem to connect, and it bugs me. It's like I have to take a step back, away from myself, and remind me that whatever is happenning, it is NOT FINAL.

After all, if death isn't final, what could life possibly hold that is?

Eden :)

Until I have children of my own, one particular little bright eyed bundle of joy has kinda captured my heart. Don't get me wrong, I'm not playing favorites here. But Eden Hope Swalm, all of one year old and change, is pretty much the girl in my life right now.

Today she gave me two wet kisses, right on the lips.

Not sure quite how to say this . . . not even really sure what I'm trying to say . . . but my view of what marital bliss is gonna look like has gone from my wife and I spending the first 5 years of our lives together globetrotting to . . . well, kinda having kids pretty early on. I'm not in a rush, and believe me, I've seen enough disobedient kids that I know it's not always sunshine and rainbows. I've heard Mike say more than once now though that his daughters have only enriched his marriage, blessed the family that started when he and Trish got married . . .

Did I mention she gave me a kiss? Two?

Mike, Trish, thank you for letting me be Uncle Greg. It's refreshing to take part in the innocent world of a child, especially when Bella ecstatically shows off how she has arranged her cozies, and Elena turns on the demo music on the keyboard just so she has "something beautiful to dance to".

Hope

For whatever reason, I find hope to be the most precious commodity I know. I realize Paul proclaims love to be the greatest of those three - faith, hope, love - but I guess I feel that since the 60s, we're all aware of love. Burt Bacharach keeps spinning in our collective head spaces, reminding us that the world needs love, and until musicians find a way to not cash in on love songs, I think we'll have more than enough audio fodder for our hearts.

But hope? Where are all the songs infused with hope, with inspiration, with something stubborn that not only rejects the status quo but offers something better? Where are the hearts that not only dare to dream, but dare to dream big and then LIVE big?

When I watch films, I usually watch them allegorically - that is, in the processing of what is transpiring on screen, I usually interpret the message in terms of how it relates to the big picture. What does William Wallace's fight against the English have to say about oppression and freedom to the world? How is Neo's fight in the Matrix synonymous with spiritual warfare? How does Forrest Gump remind us that no life is wasted when it is lived fully and deeply and innocently?

The character who has most captured my imagination, however, is Guido. Life really IS beautiful :) The lengths he goes to in order to keep his son's hope alive pulled at my heartstrings . . . and made me think that perhaps this is my great call in life. We all know this world is messed up. Last week, a crowd of people watched a 15 year old girl get raped for over two hours. There were 4 police officers at this homecoming dance. Joseph Kony and his men are still active in forcing children to fight for their Lord's Resistance Army, which includes the rape of many of the young girls. You can buy girls in SE Asia, some as young as 5 years old.

I don't say these things because I enjoy hearing about them. It makes me sick - and not metaphorically. My stomach churns, my blood boils. I'm angry. But the cure for violence is never more violence. It wouldn't do anyone any good to kill everyone who has taken advantage of another person (which is what violence is) . . . at least, that's not the cure God offers.

See, I'm not just angry. Or, at the least, this anger leads somewhere. Redemptive violence is shit - Ted Bundy, John Wayne Gacy and Jeffrey Dahmer are dead, but there are still serial killers. The 9/11 terrorists died in New York, but terrorism still exists. If you were to kill every single one of your enemies, you would still have enemies. Violence does not lead to peace.

There has to be a deeper change, one that no single person could hope to bring about, but that everyone is desperately needed for if it is to work. It won't take place on a national level, so forget about pleading with congress or parliament to change laws to protect "Christian culture". It's a grassroots movement that begins right here, right now, with the way we treat people every single day. Jesus didn't head to Jerusalem and stay there the majority of his time on earth. HE went out and lived among people, talked with them, laughed and cried with them. It was a personal ministry. We are not called to topple governments, to kill Muslims, to hate gays, to ban music, to bomb abortion clinics, or to harp on and on on our radio shows about how wrong other Christians are. None of these are mentioned in the gospel at all. No, we're told to make disciples, and you can't disciple those you hate, and you can't disciple ANYONE without a vision to leave them with.

I have this crazy vision of a world united in praise, striving to live lives that bring glory to God and are marked by concern and care for others, not because I think Christianity is so great, but because I think Christ is.

I don't want to be a part of a nationalized religion, or a group of dusty old academics fighting centuries old battles while the world slowly dies around them.

I want to be a part of this change that Jesus started and we are asked to continue.

Will you join me? Can I join you?

Korea

I think I'm going to teach in Korea for a year. Soon. Like, if I'm not there by this time next year, I prolly won't do it ever. The restlessness is growing, as well as this sense that I really want to settle down into a "family" life soon . . . so, my window for unabated travel is closing. Though, not gonna lie, the idea of traveling the first few years of married life seems superb. Met two people in Korea who did just that, and I kinda fell in love w the idea.

Also, I am craving legit kimchi and bulgogi. Not to mention sannakji. Mmmmmmmm still living octopus :) So wriggly, so good.

Elaboration . . .

For whatever reason, I feel like elaborating on why money can / does bug me so much.

I don't want to be wealthy - and since that term is a tricky one and wealth is relative, here's what I mean by it. I don't want to have more than I need. I don't want to have so much that I don't know what to do with it. I don't ever want to be a slave to making money just to try to satisfy a deep longing that cannot be filled by anything material.

And I don't want to be poor - by which I mean I don't want to have so little that I am left scrounging for every last cent, barely eking out an existence, my only thought from dawn till dusk being "where will I find food?" Though I wouldn't call poverty a sin ( and think its fairly stupid when others do), I fail to see it as a desirable condition for the majority of humanity. I don't think we should strive to be poor - I think we should recognize that our blessings are not evil, but that we are given them to bless others.

So . . . I desperately want to be a blessing to others. And I work hard so that I can be. Yet most of my adult life has been characterized by barely getting by, being behind on bill payments and loan payments, racking up debt, and being limited in my dreams by how much I make. And no, I don't think that God will just miraculously gift someone with a fortune (though it could happen) . . . rather, I think that if we are given the skills and the talents to work, than that is what we are called to do in order to acquire the money to BE the blessing. God has blessed us with the ability to work, and so we work, and so we are rewarded for our work, and so we surrender our claims to "our" money and let God use it. And so I embrace work.

It's frustrating, though, because nothing that I have planned for "my" money is evil. There is a short list of people that I plan on giving significant portions to, there is the matter of my student loan and further education, and there is a couple creditors who would love to see some dough. I have cut back on leisure, recreation, eating out, eating in, and at times, eating. I work hard every day I go to work, and just want to feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

Y'know, it's not so much the money as what I guess it all says about me as a man. I feel like I should be able to take care of at least THIS area of my life, that I should at LEAST be able to make enough to break even.

Proverbs 30:7-9 . . . pretty much sums up how I feel.

Just some thoughts . . .

Hey

Nothing too organized tonight - just putting some thoughts on paper.

- I want kids. Like, yesterday. I so very much want to be a father. Mike and Trish are good enough to let me spend enough time with their kids to make me feel "fatherly" ( or is it unclely?). Heart melting moment this week - dropping Eden off at the nursery and seeing her smile and say "buh bye!" to me.

- I hate money. I hate the control it seems to have over my life ( or, more accurately, the lack of control I have over it.) It's not that I'm broke or desperate or in dire straits - it's just that money seems to dictate my choices far more often than I would like.

- Anthony and I picked up some Christmas stuff to decorate our place with. Pretty stoked, cuz I've always had a bit of a love hate relationship with Christmas . . . wrote a poem about it called Bittersweet Holiday that I've attempted to turn into a song, but the lyrics don't resonate as much anymore, and so I gave up. Bottom line - I'm looking forward to this Christmas, probably more so than any other.

- Anthony is my roomate, not my lover. My exuberance as we were purchasing our stuff tonight might have come acroos to another Superstore patron as homosexual in nature, but I can assure it is not. I call it "our" place because we just happen to share a delightful little TWO BEDROOM basement suite.

- I am about to nod off.