Such is life . . . .

If you're reading this, thanks. Thank you for letting my babbling interest you . . .

There have been several disappointments in my life, some which echo louder than others, and some that barely resonate anymore. More and more, as I think about the source, I think I come to an understanding of its nature. We are all longing for something we know not what, and have a faint glimmer of hope of its reality.

Everyone hopeless and hoping for something to hope for . . . 1

And we feel this as an uneasiness that sets in as we go to sleep, as we try to fill our quiet moments with the noise of routine, as we strive to be busy enough to forget what haunts us

Hope is coming, coming near
Hope is coming, coming here 2

I know my particular wounds are different from everyone's, but there exists a commonality. They make it hard to hope, hard to see something that is not, hard to hope for something better, hard to believe that the status quo isn't final.

Hope is definitely different than optimism. Optimism is the belief that everything will turn out well, while hope is the certainty that everything will make sense, regardless of how it turns out.

Take heart . . . though it is risky, it is not foolhardy to hope, to dream, to dare. It will take vulnerability, courage, and a strength you might not yet know . . . but never lose hope.

If you have taken the time to read this, know that I have nothing but love for you. Hope to see you soon.

Expectations vs Expectancy

Kinda thinking today about relationships . . . . and not necessarily romantic ones, though there's probably something in here that can apply. No, more just friends / family / whatever. Though this is hardly an original thought, I would still like to share it.


One of the many things that can destroy or undermine a relationship is the feeling of havign your expectations crushed, unmet, ignored. Sure, we all have reasonable expectations - I expect my friends not to betray me, my family to love me, I'd expect my spouse to be faithful - and there are similar reasonable expectations they can have of me. That is fair, and, well, to be expected.

Beyond the basics though . . . . it would be unfair to expect someone to validate you. It's unhealthy to expect your kids to live out your dreams. It's twisted to expect someone to meet your every need. I don't know that too many people would disagree with this, but the devil's in the details. The hockey dad who gave up playing and still thinks he could have gone pro who won't leave Junior alone about how he needs to work on his stick handling . . . the woman who wants to feel like a woman and expects her man to be able to do that for her . . . the man who feels inadequate and gives his woman the power to make that true or false about him . . . the friend who smothers for fear of being rejected . . . the friend who pushes away for the same fear . . .

Not all expectations are positive. And to stop talking about this in "out there" terms, allow me to enter into this conversation as a flesh and blood person. I've been here. I've expected others to make me feel worth as a human. I've given "her" the power to tell me I'm a man or not. I've smothered others because I so value their affirmation, and distanced myself from others because I fear it will never come.

Expectancy - rather than live life havign a list of demands others must meet, I'm learning more and more to just be accepting of where people are, and celebrating that part of their journey. It's not easy, especially when the person is particularly close to my heart and the path they are on is not the best for them - they are still free to make those choices and learn from them. Having a sense of expectancy, to me, enjoys what is will looking forward to what will be, with no pressure, nothing forced, just flowing naturally.

I'm indebted to those who have helped me see life like this. They know who they are . . . and to those who remind me of thigns I already know.

Summer 09 . . . .

So . . . . .had a wonderful chat w my mom and sister yesterday about feeling disconnected. Perhaps that's what fuel's blogging - a bunch of people wanting desperately to let their inner world be known because they can't escape the feeling that it is so worth it to share your life with people. Maybe there's a hint of something akin to group therapy, the ability to voice yourself without being judged or put down . . . at least initially.

Me? I just like writing. I like getting what's in, out. And, oddly enough over the years, I've met people interested in what I have to say, just as I am interested in what they are saying. It's been neat, sharing that bit of me with them.

But enough of that for now. So far this summer, I've taken in my first Stampedesque experience, moved into a place on my own for the first time, expanded my culinary horizons ( I now make myself more than just pasta) , and laughed and cried a fairly equal number of times. Hopefully, I'm gonna head home before September and go sky diving w Doug, but failing that, I might try some hang gliding . . . . or base jumping.