The truth hurts, doesn't it, Hapsburg? Oh sure, maybe not as much as landing on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts!

That it does.

Having someone call you on behavior that you didn't see in yourself kinda sucks. I'm realizing how needed it is, sure, but today it hit me as to why. Kinda like a puzzle coming together, I had all the pieces but wasn't seeing the picture. Let me explain.

In the front of my Bible, along with several other sayings I've treasured over the years, is this gem - It's our behaviour towards people, what we do and don't do, that fosters credibility - NOT our good intentions.

I imagine that I am like most people in that I am consistently putting my actions in the best light possible - I mean, if I thought I was doing wrong, I just wouldn't do it. Today something happened that spoke a message to my friend about how I was disposed that certainly didn't reflect what was actually going on inside me. I was losing in a video game, and I was getting more and more quiet as the game dragged on. All I said at the end was "Good game" as I left.

Now, I knew she wasn't impressed. And for honesty's sake, I'm gonna give as much detail as I can here about what was going on in me. I spent a good amount of time thinking about how she should learn to let things go if my silence was bothering her that much (which I've had people say to me before), and I spent an even better chunk of time thinking about how I'M the one who needs to learn to let things go sometimes (in all honesty, being overly competitive isn't normally a problem for me anymore. And it is kinda bugging me that it seems to be again). And in the end, I resolved to apologize, because the truth hurt.

See, I was sensing that I had been a bit of a jerk. And what I'm learning is that when you get that sensation, just stop rationalizing, stop defending yourself, stop trying to come out on top, and accept the harshness of the truth - despite your best intentions, this is what you were communicating. This is what you were saying (whatever the this may be in your situation - in mine, though I don't know precisely what it was, it did a whole lot to kill the fun in what should have been an enjoyable time with two friends).

Now, though I apologize far more frequently than I would ever thought I could (time was I was never wrong, in my own eyes), it's never gotten any easier for me. Mostly I just kinda suck it up and do it, like putting hydrogen peroxide on a cut - it hurts, and you don't enjoy it, but you'll be better for it.

And I was. Or am. Better for it. As a bonus, I got to see just how much of a jerk I had been (a big one, apparently). And though things aren't perfect, I feel as though they are better, on the right track.

So why am I sharing all this?

I think we've all been there - when our actions say something we aren't aware of. And I think we've all had the first thought that I had - but that's not what I MEANT!

Audiences negotiate meaning, though, if MacLuhan is to be believed. So sure, the truth was that I wasn't nearly as pissed off as I was showing, but the truth in this case is even bigger than that - my actions were causing a rift. So rather than defend "my side of the story", I wanted to affirm that someone else's side has merit.

It is our actions that foster credibility after all, NOT our intentions. I don't know about you, but methinks I shall pay closer attention to my actions - because really, most days I wake up, and what's going on inside of me is something like this :

I LOVE LIFE! I WANNA GIVE THE WORLD A HUG AND HAVE EVERYONE BREAK OUT IN SONG AND DANCE LIKE THE SOUND OF MUSIC OR SOMETHING AND THEN HAVE A BIG PICNIC IN THE PARK WHERE EVERYONE IS WELCOME, ESPECIALLY THOSE TWO HOMELESS GUYS WHO ARE JUST WAKING UP WHEN I WALK INTO WORK!

I'd apologize for the run on, but it's early when I think this thought. But anyway, this is what is usually going on in me for most of my waking hours. And I feel like there is something good in me that I want to share with everyone, everywhere.


And all that can be derailed by acting like a little child when I lose a simple little game of hockey. Boo.


Truth hurts, eh?