The Space Between . . .

the space between

the tears we cry

as the laughter keeps us

coming back for more

the space between

our wicked lies is

where we hope to keep

safe from pain . . .

DMB

I love the Dave Matthews Band. Carter Beaufort is one of the all time best drummers. Of Life. And as much as I love the music, it is the lyrics from Space Between that capture my thoughts today.

I have been a liar, the king of the half truth, master of misdirection, spinning tales interwoven with equal parts fact and fiction. Sometimes I tell stories to get a laugh, and these I consider innocent. Most of the time, though, I have been manipulative. Because I so desire a certain outcome, and believe in the goodness of that outcome, I try to make it come to pass of my own accord. Now, I haven't consciously done this to anyone for quite some time - indeed, this season of my life has been marked with a dedication to honesty (which I think some people find more unnerving than my lies, but that's their deal).

What I'm finding is that the most harmful lies I've told are the ones I have told myself. I'm not sure quite how to put it into words here, but I've always assumed that when I reacted poorly to certain situations, it was because of a "sin" problem in my life, and that if I just followed God "better", then this would go away. If I submitted myself to rigorous discipline and checked off twelve steps and had people I was honest with about my life, I would be "better".

It's a lot like telling someone with cancer to work out and eat healthy. Those aren't bad things, but the real issue is the mass of cells that are rebelling against the way the body was meant to function - that area needs to be surgically removed, and in some cases, a transplant is necessary.

What I'm finding in my own life is that the real root cause of my poor reactions to others actions, my addictive tendencies, my neediness in friendships, and my performance based view of my own worth is that . . . well, there is this space between my wicked lies where I hope to keep safe from the pain. I have been hurt and rejected and abused and used and I don't really want to trust anymore - but I DO, because it's the only way to really experience life.

My friend Dave shared this nugget the other night - "You don't know what you don't know." And it hit me . . . of COURSE I can't see things properly, I'm the one LYING to MYSELF!

Since Christmas, I've been talking to one of the most wonderful counselors - two good friends of mine recommended her to me. And in the brief time we have been chatting, there has been a lot of areas that I hadn't thought about that she has shed light on. And the more light that gets shed on them, the more I see some other areas that I had never known about . . . it's so good :) Tough, but good :)

And in a way, I don't want to be safe from pain - it's a part of life, and Jesus Himself didn't avoid it.