. . . . And We're Back

Well. Then. That was longer than expected. I'm not going to try to fill in the gaps, because outside of family and friends, I'm nto sure who might read this. On to today's thoughts: Nutella is good not only at, but for, every meal. That is all for now.

it's about time . . .

It's been a while since I've written anything - not just here, but anywhere. I haven't journalled in months, haven't even scratched down some interesting rhymes in a while.


And it looks like it'll be another while before I write anything else of substance . . . procrastinators unite!


tomorrow

hi

i wish i knew why, but every day i seem to restart at 0, where no matter what i did the day before, no matter how great and glorious it was, it doesn't really have a carry over to the next day.

it's raining out right now - i think. the wind is making its presence felt. i love change, love the constant motion of wind. i think it might be my favorite thing in the world. maybe that's why i approach each day like a new challenge - i need to. i need to know that it is different from yesterday.

i think it was c s lewis who said that God created seasons for two reasons - because we love both constancy and change. hmmm. constant cyclical change. i like it. breaks the monotony with a non monotonous routine. clever.

we're planning on heading to ontario in the fall, and i can't wait :) liss has never seen ontario, and i haven't been there in the fall since 2007, so i'm stoked . . .

about time to update . . .

So . . .

I feel and urge to write, but without really knowing about what yet. Usually when this happens, I rant about something, and usually it's got something to do with Christianity.

I wonder if Jesus would go to a church and call people there His. I get the feeling he would at Abundant Life, my community. I'm not saying this because I'm biased and think my friends and family here are so much better than everyone else I've met. I say it because it is the best example I've seen to date of a group of people honestly trying to be Jesus to the world around them.

Now, too often this looks like merely evangelizing. You know what? That word has been bastardized for far too long. Evangelism, evangelical, evangelizing - only sometimes does it require words. I mean, we all fully believe the adage that actions speak louder than words, right? So why the emphasis in certain circles of evangelical thought on making sure your presentation of the gospel follows these steps?

Are there actually steps to following Jesus? Did he really lay out the 5 principles of discipleship, the 7 steps to salvation, the 43 and a half marks or a true believer?

Or have we lost our imagination? Jesus says follow me, and we have no idea what that means outside of our own construct . . . or maybe we do, and it's too dangerous, and so we make a safe way to follow Christ where we can still buy $200 jeans and $100 shades without thinking once about the injustice of our extravagance. Hey, as long as we prayed a prayer once, our eternity is secure . . .

Well, that's debatable. But not here or now. Picture something with me - I'm dating this girl [which is actually a much easier picture than it has been. Her name's Alissa ;)]. I ask this girl to marry me. She says yes. I'm asked why I love her, and my response is this :

"Because one day we'll be married and I can have all the sex I want"

Well.

There are several things wrong with this thought, not the least of which is how unlikely I am to be able to demand sex whenever. What I really want to focus on is how unloving that is - I only love her for what she provides for me . . . not who she is, not what she is passionate about, not her laugh or her smile or her wit. Just her body. She is a means to an end.

When we focus so much on the belief that we will spend eternity in some form of better existence, and ignore what God is passionate about right here, right now, does He feel any less used?

And are we any less unloving?

Oh love

So. I met this girl. She pretty much rocks. Asher and I have this standing agreement that if I screw this up, he is to shoot me :)

She's got a wonderful heart for Jesus, a cute smile, the best laugh. She loves Star Wars and salted licorice candy. I am big and she is small, and even though my paws are twice the size of her little hands, she makes me feel safe.

It's not often that I feel danger. But there IS that danger that when you start to open yourself up to someone, they'll reject you. They won't like who you are, or how you present who you are.

Not so. At least, not so far . . . and I have this sneaking suspicion that not at all. Ever. With her. Which, really, is what relationships are all about, right? Trust.

Oh, you precious commodity. Oh trust. Oh love. Welcome back, my dear old friends . . .

Redemptive violence . . .

Now that Osama bin-Laden is dead, the world is a much safer place. As with all the deaths of tyrants and terrorists and villains throughout the ages, his passing has left the rest of us feeling more at ease, much safer, and less in need of strict and invasive security measures when flying.

When Hitler was killed, did we not have 50 years of unmitigated peace and tensionless rest?

When Bundy was killed, did we not end the threat of serial killers and predators?

After Hussein was killed, didn't Iraq become a much better place overnight?

And who can forget that one time when we killed Joseph Kony, leader of the Lord's Resistance Army, and ushered in a new era of peace for central Africa?

I mean, sure, just because the last one hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it won't. Well, it probably won't. No one gives a shit about child soldiers, not when 400 million people have a personal vendetta against one man, not when there is a barbecue to have outside the prison where Bundy was fried, and certainly not while there is oil to pump from the Middle East. Oh, and not when there are white Europeans dying.

I feel so stupid sometimes. Obviously I don't understand cause and effect relationships. It is good to overthrow a dictator in Iraq to infuse democracy into the region, but it's also good to turn a blind eye to a dictator in Cambodia who kills millions? I mean, the country is known for KILLING FIELDS. COME ON.

And it is good to kill a man for essentially masterminding the deaths of around 3000 people . . . but to stamp out the cause of death of at LEAST 3000 people a DAY? Is THAT worthwhile?

See what I mean - the things that make sense to me seem to be fairly low priority.

But hey, Osama's dead. That shit should put food in the bellies of the malnourished, right? Good thing we did that one first. And in record time, too. I mean, it took far longer to apprehend Saddam . . .

Can I also, stupidly, take time to point out that BOTH men were once US allies? If this pattern keeps up, I think we as Canadians should rethink our ties to the south . . . ( http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,450997-2,00.html )

Ok. Enough sarcasm and satire for now. More than anything else, I am so very saddened by the mentality that violence can bring about good. Unless you're God and the violence involved is the death of Your Son, killing someone rarely has the intent you meant for it. Just ask the Pharisees. Just as killing Americans did NOT make the nation crumble as Osama thought it would, killing Osama will NOT make every young Muslim say, "Hey. This is stupid."

You don't beat violence with violence. You conquer it with something far greater . . .

kingdom come

sometimes i want to use words to say these things that i just . . . feel, inside, in that part of you that just intuitively knows stuff and thinks stuff. we call it the gut, and i'm sure other cultures have called it different things.

at any rate, music is really the only way i've found to even begin to convey what it is i think or sense of feel when i think or sense or feel what i'm trying to convey . . . convoluted, right? i'll try again.

i have this deep, abiding hope that all will work out in the end. i can't really articulate what i base this on, because it precedes anything i learned about God, but certainly He plays a central role in it. it's captured, a bit, by the benediction "and they lived happily ever after" . . . that we all learned so well as children and promptly forgot as adults because it didn't seem to fit into what we saw happening around us. what if they DO live happily ever after? what if i could be a part of they? is that too crazy? and what if happily ever after starts right here, right now, with the story we're all caught up in every day of our lives . . . ?

here are some links to songs that feel like what i'm trying to get across . . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lS7cz5jpPf8&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5wOHIi7xCU&annotation_id=annotation_307340&feature=iv

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Hre5fkdq-0&feature=related (minus the little bit at the end - those who have seen the show know why it's there, but to me, for this blog, it's not part of the song that i treasure )

at any rate, i feel a little bit better get this out, because it IS something that feels like it needs to get out

sara in the sky with diamonds

She probably doesn't realize I'm doing this right now ( and is currently singing her own rendition of Tubthumping : " Sara gets knocked down, but she gets up again . . . . " ), but I'm writing out a little blog about one of my favorite people in the world right now.

There's a Final Four match going on in the background, in my room - Butler is leading VCU by three - and Sara is whistling a Christmas tune ( what are the odds), and the only other noise is the clacking of the keys and the little alert from her phone that she has a text message.

I friggin love Sara. So much.

Today has been an awesome day. In the three years since I first met Sara, I think we've got to a point where no matter what we do, we have the time of our lives doing it. Today we walked to a 7/11 in the snow, pushed a car out, took one on the chin (that was her, not me), and kinda just cozied up in front of a fireplace and watched Friday Night Lights . . .

We are now arguing over how to sing the chorus of Fare Thee Well Love.

I write this because, since we are both human beings, there will probably be a time in our friendship when we aren't close. I will do something stupid, or she will misunderstand something I did, or I'll misread a situation, or any of the plethora of ways that a relationship can go sour. And, well (ha), I wanted to kinda preserve today a bit.

Today was the day we worked her name into every song. And it was hilarious, fun, and perfect.

Thanks, Champ, for being a friend. I'm a much better human being because I met you.

today is the greatest day i've ever known

dance with me
oh lover of my soul
to the song of all songs . . .

So I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours

Today was one of those days I wish I could freeze and playback whenever I need to. Maybe this act of jotting down just what today meant to me will serve to accomplish that . . .

Though there are many things that bring me delight in life, nothing comes anywhere close to playing the drums for me. There's many reasons why - I love the physicality of it, the fact that there are intricacies to it that mean you can play the same song a plethora of ways and it still sounds good, the freedom of motion, the ability to impact a song in a way so different from any other instrument . . . But really, the biggest draw to the drums for me is that I can't do it on my own. Drums sound at their best when accompanying other instruments, and they never sound good if they're drowning everyone out. It's a secondary part of a song - vital, sure, but rarely focal. It serves as a great metaphor for the lessons I've been learning over the past few years about how I fit in to this Body of Christ called the Church.

Today, in church, we were tight. I loved how we sounded. I loved playing with a group of talented musicians and great friends. I loved playing The Stand, which has a drum solo bit, but it's such a complimentary solo that it never feels like I'm taking over forcefully.

I loved sharing the Eucharist with my family at Abundant Life.
I loved the phone call with my mom.
I loved hanging out with Sara, who is one of my best friends in the whole wide world.
I loved listening to Dance with Me by Jesus Culture while writing this.
I loved sharing every moment with the One Who gets me better than anyone else, the One I am so ridiculously in love with . . .

And, well, I just had to say something.

The Adventure

here we go
life's waiting to begin . .

I love Angels and Airwaves. Go listen to The Adventure right now. Or not, really. I'm not going to know either way. But if you do, and especially if it's your first time hearing it, you'll know you discovered one of those encapsulating songs that says more than its lyrics, as though talking to a part of you you're not always sure of yourself . . .

Maybe I'm a crazy optimist, and maybe I'm fairly stupid at times in my persistent belief that all things will be made right, but, well, I can't help but be bouyed by hope no matter what happens in life.

I'm entering into a new chapter in life, and the fear is there . . . but it's not a fear of failing, a fear of making a mistake, a fear of screwing up. No, it's a fear of doing nothing with this passion in me . . .

Valentine

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valentine's_Day

Just a quick read shows us that what this day started out as has no connection to Eros, or Cupid, or Romance. Yet that doesn't change the fact that it is, now, very much a day to celebrate your loved one.

I am single. It's funny how innocent those words look right now, yet at 2 in the morning, they can keep me up, and when I think about where I am in my life, they can haunt me.

won't you dance with me

O Lover of my soul

to the song of all songs?

And yet right now, I'm exactly where I need to be. I've called my beautiful mom, told her I loved her and asked her to relay that to my sisters this morning with a hug and a kiss attached for each. I woke up this morning so in love with a God who loves me like no one else will ever be able to, and found myself once again in the middle of my very own Great Romance . . .

So while I celebrate with those of my friends and family who have that special someone, the one whose smile lights up their life, for me, I celebrate this love today, and wait patiently for when I play my part in that image of this Romance . . .

sojourner

I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: all times I have enjoyed
Greatly, have suffered greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone

...Ulysses . . .Tennyson

I love horizons. I love conquering them and then searching for new ones. I get restless fast. I like challenging myself to do things I've never done before. I want to be a gourmet chef, an airline pilot, a drummer in a semi famous band, a monk, a published author, a shrimpin boat captain, a breakdancer, a parkourer (parkourist?).

I want to marry the most beautiful woman in the world and wake up beside her every morning, yearning for another adventure. I want her deep laugh to mix with mine daily, to not let a day go by without holding her hand on a walk around the block or wherever, really; I want to make 3 or 4 babies with her, and spend a good deal of time practicing it; I want those dear little kiddies to roll around in the grass with me, let me sweep them up in my arms when I come home from work and be content to sit outside and watch the stars dance in the summer sky and basically never grow up even if they get older.

I want to always be enchanted when I look in her eyes. I kind of think I will be.

I want to spend every day in full expectancy of the very best God has to offer, even if and when it takes the form of what I would think is the very worst that life could have. I want to always be alert for opportunities to be an angel in disguise, to do the little things that stick out in peoples minds when they wonder if God exists or not . . . "if God doesn't exist and isn't good, what about that angel who pushed my car out of the snow when everyone else downtown was walking by?" (true story - happened today. Next time I will wear gloves).

I want to always be amazed by God. I kind of think I will be. I want to fall more and more in love with Him, that rapturous love that makes fireworks into sparks and turns every little detail into an exquisite work of art, makes it so that ordinary is a word I no longer know.

I want to never feel like I have settled. Ever. For anything.

I want to bathe in solitude, drink deeply from that peace that comes from knowing your own soul well, and not only liking but enjoying, loving, and cherishing what you find there. I want to always embrace alone times, times of still when I know He is God. I want to be able to do this on the side of a mountain, as my eyes drift off to my nocturnal date with Morpheus, as I walk in a crowd.

I want to always travel, even if I never leave my house.

Love 146

Also.

New background here is courtesy of love146.org . . . again, what with February being all about hearts and love, I thought I'd have something here that tugs at my heart, something that stirs the love deep inside me like few things in this world . . .

Go ahead and check them out if you haven't already.

agape . . . amore . . .

February is Valentine's Day. I know, I know, the 14th doesn't last all month, but really, outside of Wiarton, Ontario and Punxatawney, PA, the only really big day in February that happens every year is V-Day.


Currently watching clips of Desmond and Penny from Lost . . . and I gotta say, I don't really know a whole lot in this thing called life. Not anymore, at any rate. But I do know that if you have found that person you know you're going to love for the rest of your life, you treasure that. You hold onto it, you nurture it, you cherish it . . . and if you haven't, but you know people who have, you celebrate it with them.


So to all my friends who are lovers and with their loved ones, I celebrate your love with you this month. Well, everyday, really, but especially now.

And to those who think that v-day single = worst thing ever, there are many avenues to express your love. Find one and do it with all you have, passionately, recklessly, wholly.

new year

2011 . . .

dang

it's funny, where we figure we were gonna be by a certain point in time, what kind of job we were gonna have, the financial stability we were working for now a reality and well on our chosen career path.

i had a little dream once, where i was a fantastic youth pastor with a lovely wife who worked together to infuse meaning and beauty into the lives of people around them. every day was another adventure, and every day was filled with equal parts laughter, joy, tears, hurt, and healing.

in the front of my bible, i have written, among other things, the following:

Sometimes our dreams have to die so His plans can go forward

and 2010 was about letting dreams die . . . or, more so, finally acknowledging that certain dreams had been dead for a long time. while having the courage to dream some new ones, some that i may have never dreamed were it not for other dreams no longer being played around in my head.

i have this feeling that 2012 will find me bidding farewell to other dreams, and i don't think this is a bad thing. i think as we all evolve as people, we need to realize that some of the things we thought were so worthy of pursuit are like fireflies in comparison to stars - they are so very temporary, while the actual light that has captivated us may not be as near our reach, but will prove so much more worth the challenge of pursuing it.

i sometimes talk a little cryptic here, a little vague and ambiguous, but i don't want to just tell you what my thoughts on things mean to me - fill in your own meaning where you see fit. i don't have all the answers, but i hope you enjoy whatever journey you're on, and if anything i say is helpful, then you're welcome :) we're all in this thing called life together.

not sure

Hey.

There are lots of things I'm not sure about.

I'm not sure how my family works, and how I fit into it sometimes. There is a fracture, with dad on one side and my mom and my sisters on the other, and I love them all, and I'm not on either side, even though there's people who aren't my dad or my mom and my sisters who seem to have a really good idea of where I should be. And the Bible doesn't really address this issue at all, so most of the cliche's that Christians throw my way (and that I ultimately hate anyway) are meaningless.

I'm not sure what to do when there is something that seems good to me, that I want, that I think God wants for me, that is denied on a fairly consistent basis.

I'm not sure what to do when it feels (emphasis on feels) like I am a convenient shoulder to cry on, but once the tears are done, there is no more use for me, and I can be discarded. I'm not sure what to do when I have tears of my own and wouldn't mind a shoulder and there isn't one around.

I'm not sure if it's okay to claim to follow Jesus, claim to have this hope that all things will be made right, and yet to have days when all you really long for is for that hope to be realized, not because you've been hoping for so long and it would be nice, but because you no longer are satisfied with simply hoping and believing and you just want to know.

I'm not sure if I make any sense when I speak about things I think about.

I'm not sure if it's always a good idea to continue to turn the other cheek, to always go the extra mile, to always love your neighbour as yourself, because your cheeks start to hurt after a while, there always seems to be just one more mile, and your neighbour can sometimes be a douchebag who will take advantage of your love.

I'm not sure if douchebag is an appropos word to use given the context.

I AM pretty sure that this blog, in itself, does not encapsulate my thoughts on everything,

But I'm not sure how to navigate the things in life I'm not sure about.

reflection

soooooooooooooooooooooooooo

christmas makes me reflective, nostalgic for who knows what, and seeing as how it's all year end and everything, I figure I would kinda take stock of this year . . .


First off, let's get these caps back where they belong. That's better . . .



The two-oh-one-oh has been a pretty sweet year for me. Oh, sure, there are a ton of things that I meant to do and haven't, some things I never dreamed I do that I did, and some refining of my outlook on life that, fingers crossed, is more in line with what this human experience known as life was meant to be.

I'm an uncle :) It probably won't stop being cool for me until just after the rocking party that will be my funeral ends. And probably for a little bit after that.

Usually I get mopey around Christmas for whatever reason, but screw that. Life is so good . . . a co worker of mine, after a rather lengthy two player bitch-fest lasted all day, suggested we think of ten things we're both thankful for.

I'm still coming up with things. And it's not that it was an incredibly revolutionary idea, or one that no one has thought of . . . just something I seem to forget to do on an annual basis around this time, choosing instead to focus on hurts, real or imagined, like some self-damning Grinch.

I'm not sure if Grinch is supposed to be capitalized. Is it a name, a species, a title?

Anyway . . . prolly not gonna blog a whole lot over the holidays - in ontario for 10 days, preaching tomorrow, christmas play coming up, and all that jazz - but guaranteed I'll have a lot to write in the new year.


Merry Christmas all


Greg

the end . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .LOST SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!

please

only scroll down and read if you either have finished lost in its entirety, or you are never likely to watch a single episode. If you are still working on it, I will not be offended if you do not read this post.


I have warned you. Do not be angry at me for finding out something you wished to find out on the show.



Proceed . . .














































































































































everything that has a beginning has an end . . .


the oracle - from the matrix trilogy

I have recently finished Lost. Also, I have apparently rediscovered my appreciation for grammar. Nice.


I love the final episode. If you're a) a Christian and b) someone who has watched Lost, let me tell you why . . . in fact, even if a) doesn't apply, I'm sure you'll find something worthwhile here . . .


There are two phrases that I am absolutely captivated by . . .

this too shall be made right

and

God was, in Christ, reconciling ALL things to Himself

now


watch Lost, watch the final episode, and I dare you not to see a glimpse of this. Please, my Christian brothers and sisters, I'm not interested in a theological debate of the reality of a limbo state or the apparent universalism of the message. The show was not meant to be a platform for a Christocentric world view . . . but it doesn't mean that someone with one can't see hints of what is to come in it.

I cried watching this - because I miss my Oma, I miss Denise Scharringa, I miss Ernesto, and Mr. Fintelman, and scores of other people I have said final good byes too. But that's the beauty, isn't it?


What if good bye is not the end, but a means to a new beginning?

tension

what good would any story be without tension? who wants to read about a protagonist that triumphed over . . . nothing? I mean, I get the existentialism and absurdity of Waiting for Godot, but please - it's not that entertaining. and it certainly isn't life . . .


sidenote - i'm feeling a little e e cummings - ish today, though I still like capitalized first person pronouns and titles. anyway . . .


here is a little bit of tension in my life - having come through a period of time in which I've gone from looking at myself as something of a failure, something worthless, to seeing that I am a work in progress, to seeing that, well, I'm made in the image of an infinite being and bear that image well, and in my own unique way (as do you, whoever you may be), and after coming through the same period in which I swore I would never even consider dating again (a shortsighted vow, to be sure),

I find that there is this tug at this little heart of mine. there is this tension.

i can continue to explore the depths of this romance i find myself in with the One who alone offers that which I really want by myself, moving in silence like a chess piece, watching as my whole world revolves around the position of my King. I can dance my heart out for this One, and only this One, who doesn't care if I stumble, only that I get back up. I can be safe in this divine harmony, this instant as thought connection, where no explanation is needed by either party for anything, and there is no second guessing motives. I am never not loved, never not respected, never seen as anything other than what I really am . . . never misunderstood. Never unknown.

I am also never snuggled with, never hugged, never embraced by this One - it is tough to do those things when you lack a physical body . . . we will never have sex, which I'm not sure how that would work anyway, and I realize seems borderline blasphemous, but the truth is if you are going to embark on a journey where you choose to embrace this Romance and only this Romance, then a vow of chastity is a must.

I'm not okay with that. that is as delicately as I think I can put it.


and so, the tension - because that aspect, that expression I lack requires that one who will care if I stumble, one who may not always respect me, one who may grow weary of me, second guess and be second guessed by me, one who will misunderstand and be misunderstood by me, be invited into the dance. and this doesn't inspire fear, just caution. see, i want to dance with her.

i'm just not sure who she is. yet.

okay, i'm a little afraid. it is a healthy fear, i hope. no one wants to be hurt, and i for one do not wish to hurt. but it seems like that's par for the course in this dance . . . and again, it's not the pain that I fear, but the response to it.

because this is the kind of dance you want to dance for the rest of your life with her, and you want to know and she wants to know if you're in it for real, or just dancing because you're bored . . .


oh, tension

seasons

"Change can be so constant that you don"t even feel the difference till there is one - it can be so slow that you don't know your life is better or worse until it is, or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant . . . it happened to me."

So I love life as a house. Wonderful movie. Haven't seen it for a while, but whatever - it's still the same movie, right? I like that movies are like that - unchanging . . . you can know them for all that they are; once you know the plot, it doesn't change. I find comfort in this sometimes - one of my favorite things to do when I'm feeling a bit down or whatever is to watch The Office or Lost on DVD. I like it because it is familiar, and if home does not equal a fixed geographical location, or if that location doesn't match the location of your heart (where, apparently, home is), then it's nice to have something that feels like home to you.

Back to LaaH. The quote above is what the father says to his son, and it's one of the most poignant moments in a movie full of them. I think we sometimes view life change as these big moments that are dramatic and full and if there was an orchestra nearby they would be playing a very heart moving piece. You know, like the climax of most movies. I think we yearn for these moments because they are easily discernible, and in the area of life where we are most led astray - romance - we think that love equals something big, that real displays of affection are otherwordly lavish.


Well

because we think this, we have a holiday dedicated to doing just that, where if you bring chocolates and roses and a card, you're a good boyfriend, even if you were a shit for the past 364 days.

because we think this, we have unreal expectations of those we love and hope to be loved by.

and because we think this, we miss a lot of very lovely moments.



Sorry - this was written in October, but I'm publishing it here on November 23rd . . .