Elaboration . . .

For whatever reason, I feel like elaborating on why money can / does bug me so much.

I don't want to be wealthy - and since that term is a tricky one and wealth is relative, here's what I mean by it. I don't want to have more than I need. I don't want to have so much that I don't know what to do with it. I don't ever want to be a slave to making money just to try to satisfy a deep longing that cannot be filled by anything material.

And I don't want to be poor - by which I mean I don't want to have so little that I am left scrounging for every last cent, barely eking out an existence, my only thought from dawn till dusk being "where will I find food?" Though I wouldn't call poverty a sin ( and think its fairly stupid when others do), I fail to see it as a desirable condition for the majority of humanity. I don't think we should strive to be poor - I think we should recognize that our blessings are not evil, but that we are given them to bless others.

So . . . I desperately want to be a blessing to others. And I work hard so that I can be. Yet most of my adult life has been characterized by barely getting by, being behind on bill payments and loan payments, racking up debt, and being limited in my dreams by how much I make. And no, I don't think that God will just miraculously gift someone with a fortune (though it could happen) . . . rather, I think that if we are given the skills and the talents to work, than that is what we are called to do in order to acquire the money to BE the blessing. God has blessed us with the ability to work, and so we work, and so we are rewarded for our work, and so we surrender our claims to "our" money and let God use it. And so I embrace work.

It's frustrating, though, because nothing that I have planned for "my" money is evil. There is a short list of people that I plan on giving significant portions to, there is the matter of my student loan and further education, and there is a couple creditors who would love to see some dough. I have cut back on leisure, recreation, eating out, eating in, and at times, eating. I work hard every day I go to work, and just want to feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

Y'know, it's not so much the money as what I guess it all says about me as a man. I feel like I should be able to take care of at least THIS area of my life, that I should at LEAST be able to make enough to break even.

Proverbs 30:7-9 . . . pretty much sums up how I feel.