new year

2011 . . .

dang

it's funny, where we figure we were gonna be by a certain point in time, what kind of job we were gonna have, the financial stability we were working for now a reality and well on our chosen career path.

i had a little dream once, where i was a fantastic youth pastor with a lovely wife who worked together to infuse meaning and beauty into the lives of people around them. every day was another adventure, and every day was filled with equal parts laughter, joy, tears, hurt, and healing.

in the front of my bible, i have written, among other things, the following:

Sometimes our dreams have to die so His plans can go forward

and 2010 was about letting dreams die . . . or, more so, finally acknowledging that certain dreams had been dead for a long time. while having the courage to dream some new ones, some that i may have never dreamed were it not for other dreams no longer being played around in my head.

i have this feeling that 2012 will find me bidding farewell to other dreams, and i don't think this is a bad thing. i think as we all evolve as people, we need to realize that some of the things we thought were so worthy of pursuit are like fireflies in comparison to stars - they are so very temporary, while the actual light that has captivated us may not be as near our reach, but will prove so much more worth the challenge of pursuing it.

i sometimes talk a little cryptic here, a little vague and ambiguous, but i don't want to just tell you what my thoughts on things mean to me - fill in your own meaning where you see fit. i don't have all the answers, but i hope you enjoy whatever journey you're on, and if anything i say is helpful, then you're welcome :) we're all in this thing called life together.

not sure

Hey.

There are lots of things I'm not sure about.

I'm not sure how my family works, and how I fit into it sometimes. There is a fracture, with dad on one side and my mom and my sisters on the other, and I love them all, and I'm not on either side, even though there's people who aren't my dad or my mom and my sisters who seem to have a really good idea of where I should be. And the Bible doesn't really address this issue at all, so most of the cliche's that Christians throw my way (and that I ultimately hate anyway) are meaningless.

I'm not sure what to do when there is something that seems good to me, that I want, that I think God wants for me, that is denied on a fairly consistent basis.

I'm not sure what to do when it feels (emphasis on feels) like I am a convenient shoulder to cry on, but once the tears are done, there is no more use for me, and I can be discarded. I'm not sure what to do when I have tears of my own and wouldn't mind a shoulder and there isn't one around.

I'm not sure if it's okay to claim to follow Jesus, claim to have this hope that all things will be made right, and yet to have days when all you really long for is for that hope to be realized, not because you've been hoping for so long and it would be nice, but because you no longer are satisfied with simply hoping and believing and you just want to know.

I'm not sure if I make any sense when I speak about things I think about.

I'm not sure if it's always a good idea to continue to turn the other cheek, to always go the extra mile, to always love your neighbour as yourself, because your cheeks start to hurt after a while, there always seems to be just one more mile, and your neighbour can sometimes be a douchebag who will take advantage of your love.

I'm not sure if douchebag is an appropos word to use given the context.

I AM pretty sure that this blog, in itself, does not encapsulate my thoughts on everything,

But I'm not sure how to navigate the things in life I'm not sure about.

reflection

soooooooooooooooooooooooooo

christmas makes me reflective, nostalgic for who knows what, and seeing as how it's all year end and everything, I figure I would kinda take stock of this year . . .


First off, let's get these caps back where they belong. That's better . . .



The two-oh-one-oh has been a pretty sweet year for me. Oh, sure, there are a ton of things that I meant to do and haven't, some things I never dreamed I do that I did, and some refining of my outlook on life that, fingers crossed, is more in line with what this human experience known as life was meant to be.

I'm an uncle :) It probably won't stop being cool for me until just after the rocking party that will be my funeral ends. And probably for a little bit after that.

Usually I get mopey around Christmas for whatever reason, but screw that. Life is so good . . . a co worker of mine, after a rather lengthy two player bitch-fest lasted all day, suggested we think of ten things we're both thankful for.

I'm still coming up with things. And it's not that it was an incredibly revolutionary idea, or one that no one has thought of . . . just something I seem to forget to do on an annual basis around this time, choosing instead to focus on hurts, real or imagined, like some self-damning Grinch.

I'm not sure if Grinch is supposed to be capitalized. Is it a name, a species, a title?

Anyway . . . prolly not gonna blog a whole lot over the holidays - in ontario for 10 days, preaching tomorrow, christmas play coming up, and all that jazz - but guaranteed I'll have a lot to write in the new year.


Merry Christmas all


Greg

the end . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .LOST SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!

please

only scroll down and read if you either have finished lost in its entirety, or you are never likely to watch a single episode. If you are still working on it, I will not be offended if you do not read this post.


I have warned you. Do not be angry at me for finding out something you wished to find out on the show.



Proceed . . .














































































































































everything that has a beginning has an end . . .


the oracle - from the matrix trilogy

I have recently finished Lost. Also, I have apparently rediscovered my appreciation for grammar. Nice.


I love the final episode. If you're a) a Christian and b) someone who has watched Lost, let me tell you why . . . in fact, even if a) doesn't apply, I'm sure you'll find something worthwhile here . . .


There are two phrases that I am absolutely captivated by . . .

this too shall be made right

and

God was, in Christ, reconciling ALL things to Himself

now


watch Lost, watch the final episode, and I dare you not to see a glimpse of this. Please, my Christian brothers and sisters, I'm not interested in a theological debate of the reality of a limbo state or the apparent universalism of the message. The show was not meant to be a platform for a Christocentric world view . . . but it doesn't mean that someone with one can't see hints of what is to come in it.

I cried watching this - because I miss my Oma, I miss Denise Scharringa, I miss Ernesto, and Mr. Fintelman, and scores of other people I have said final good byes too. But that's the beauty, isn't it?


What if good bye is not the end, but a means to a new beginning?

tension

what good would any story be without tension? who wants to read about a protagonist that triumphed over . . . nothing? I mean, I get the existentialism and absurdity of Waiting for Godot, but please - it's not that entertaining. and it certainly isn't life . . .


sidenote - i'm feeling a little e e cummings - ish today, though I still like capitalized first person pronouns and titles. anyway . . .


here is a little bit of tension in my life - having come through a period of time in which I've gone from looking at myself as something of a failure, something worthless, to seeing that I am a work in progress, to seeing that, well, I'm made in the image of an infinite being and bear that image well, and in my own unique way (as do you, whoever you may be), and after coming through the same period in which I swore I would never even consider dating again (a shortsighted vow, to be sure),

I find that there is this tug at this little heart of mine. there is this tension.

i can continue to explore the depths of this romance i find myself in with the One who alone offers that which I really want by myself, moving in silence like a chess piece, watching as my whole world revolves around the position of my King. I can dance my heart out for this One, and only this One, who doesn't care if I stumble, only that I get back up. I can be safe in this divine harmony, this instant as thought connection, where no explanation is needed by either party for anything, and there is no second guessing motives. I am never not loved, never not respected, never seen as anything other than what I really am . . . never misunderstood. Never unknown.

I am also never snuggled with, never hugged, never embraced by this One - it is tough to do those things when you lack a physical body . . . we will never have sex, which I'm not sure how that would work anyway, and I realize seems borderline blasphemous, but the truth is if you are going to embark on a journey where you choose to embrace this Romance and only this Romance, then a vow of chastity is a must.

I'm not okay with that. that is as delicately as I think I can put it.


and so, the tension - because that aspect, that expression I lack requires that one who will care if I stumble, one who may not always respect me, one who may grow weary of me, second guess and be second guessed by me, one who will misunderstand and be misunderstood by me, be invited into the dance. and this doesn't inspire fear, just caution. see, i want to dance with her.

i'm just not sure who she is. yet.

okay, i'm a little afraid. it is a healthy fear, i hope. no one wants to be hurt, and i for one do not wish to hurt. but it seems like that's par for the course in this dance . . . and again, it's not the pain that I fear, but the response to it.

because this is the kind of dance you want to dance for the rest of your life with her, and you want to know and she wants to know if you're in it for real, or just dancing because you're bored . . .


oh, tension

seasons

"Change can be so constant that you don"t even feel the difference till there is one - it can be so slow that you don't know your life is better or worse until it is, or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant . . . it happened to me."

So I love life as a house. Wonderful movie. Haven't seen it for a while, but whatever - it's still the same movie, right? I like that movies are like that - unchanging . . . you can know them for all that they are; once you know the plot, it doesn't change. I find comfort in this sometimes - one of my favorite things to do when I'm feeling a bit down or whatever is to watch The Office or Lost on DVD. I like it because it is familiar, and if home does not equal a fixed geographical location, or if that location doesn't match the location of your heart (where, apparently, home is), then it's nice to have something that feels like home to you.

Back to LaaH. The quote above is what the father says to his son, and it's one of the most poignant moments in a movie full of them. I think we sometimes view life change as these big moments that are dramatic and full and if there was an orchestra nearby they would be playing a very heart moving piece. You know, like the climax of most movies. I think we yearn for these moments because they are easily discernible, and in the area of life where we are most led astray - romance - we think that love equals something big, that real displays of affection are otherwordly lavish.


Well

because we think this, we have a holiday dedicated to doing just that, where if you bring chocolates and roses and a card, you're a good boyfriend, even if you were a shit for the past 364 days.

because we think this, we have unreal expectations of those we love and hope to be loved by.

and because we think this, we miss a lot of very lovely moments.



Sorry - this was written in October, but I'm publishing it here on November 23rd . . .

blue like jazz

hey

reading blue like jazz currently. love it. i haven't got too far yet, but there is something that has already caught my imagination.

donald miller talks about how jazz doesn't resolve, and so he found it hard to like jazz until he watched someone play the saxophone on the street for 15 minutes without opening his eyes. and then he says that he never really loved god because god doesn't resolve . . . .

there are things in my life that have no resolution, and these things drive me crazy at times. i find it hard to let them be. now, it's not that i find it hard to let everything be, just that there are some things that have no real ending in my life, but they also aren't still ongoing . . . know what i mean? there is no resolution, more of a fading away, gradual and subtle.

it's the messiness of life that really messes us up, eh? if things were more black and white, we'd have a better time understanding our place in the story. we would know when doors are closed, when chapters are finished . . . instead life seems more like the passing of the seasons - things happen around the time they should (unless your in calgary - snow in july? 20 degree weather in january? wtf?), and you don't really know how to tell when spring begins and summer ends, for instance.

hmmmm. maybe that's part of what i's supposed to be learning here. life is more like calgary's weather - no resolution, and though there is an underlying pattern, it's futile to try and decipher it sometimes :)

anyway, the moral of the story is that i'm learning to be okay with a resolutionless existence . . . i'm okay if things kinda hang with no clear end or answer.