Open Book . . .

Hey



Part of me questions the wisdom of what I'm about to do, and most of me realizes that we are all of us broken, and the more we embrace that and the upside down beauty of it, and the more we share from our own brokeness and hear of others', the more we open ourselves up to the remaking process. Honesty is the key, and it is frightening. It means allowing someone else to see who you really are - you know, that person that exists in that time and space when no one else is around, that person whose irrational fears feel more real when they are alone in the dark, the person whose heart sings at the wierdest thing, the person who can't sleep at night sometimes for reasons that no one would understand even if articulation would be achieved.



But I really believe it is the best way. Maybe not the only way, but certainly the best way to be fully human and live an abundant life. It can get really confusing if you try to be open and honest with those who don't also embrace honesty - hence the warning about the pearls and the swine - but if Jesus life teaches us anything, it is that those things that are most precious are the most costly, and there is no room for seeking to be comfortable above all else.



So as uncomfortable as this is (rendered more comfortable by the fact that I am typing and not talking to someone), allow me to finally begin. I'm going to name names and all, because I want you to know that this is my life, through my eyes, as best as I can describe it, and not some mere musings on how things might be.



If you are familiar with my story at all (or have been in contact with me regularly since I stepped down as a youth pastor 2 and a half years ago), then allow me to express a measure of sympathy. I know the cycles seem endless, the wounds seem self inflicted, and if I could "just get over it", I would move on with my life and feel much better. I'm smiling a little as I write this, because I find humour in odd places, but odds are good you've heard me express a sentiment along these lines:



*People's lives are better when I am not in their lives

*I am a burden to those that know me

*No one knows me

*Everyone will leave me



Again, I know it can be a little tiring hearing this. No one is more tired of it than I am. The thing is, there is a pattern that emerges . . .



I was re-reading my journal from the past two years, and noticing that periods of time where there was relative peace - mentally, emotionally, spiritually - were followed with periods of intense . . . for lack of a better word, attacks, on the things I was at peace about.



Somewhere along the way, my sense of identity became a weak spot for me, as I assume it either can be or IS for all of us in some way. Though I rarely worry about my looks (though I DO worry at times), and I hardly ever worry about my ability to entertain people, make friends, have meaningful conversations, BE a good friend, I find the attacks come in the form of a little voice that tells me I cannot trust what is going on - it is all a lie. No one REALLY wants to genuinely know me - no one REALLY wants to develop a mutually beneficial relationship with me.



For some of you (and I feel I know this from previous conversations) this line of attack would be useless. You have been blessed with a sense of stability in life, where without even thinking about it too much, you have been the recepient of an atmosphere that fostered trust.



For the first 19 years of my life, the one man I thought was my best friend in the world, the man I looked up and respected and wanted to BE like, was someone else. I don't know what it's like to have that friend who has been by your side when the shit hits the fan, because at the time of my most epic failures, I was alone, without people I felt I could be honest with. I have seen power struggles in a community of people that is supposed to be the expression of Christ's presence in the world that have left the participants scarred for life. I have been on the receiving end of judgmental attitudes from people that I opened up the dark places of my life to, hoping for guidance and mercy.



In short, there hasn't been a whole lot up until the fall of 08 that cultivated trust in my life. The overwhelming messages I grew up with were - be someone people will appreciate. Sacrifice for the good of others. Combine those two, and you have a very confused young man who has a performance based view of love - I have worth dependant on how well I do, and the moment I do something wrong, my worth is gone.



I know, right? :) Sounds so stupid when I read it, and it is. But, be honest - have you ever been there? Thinking that asking God for one more chance means you've asked for one more chance too many? That you've reached the limit of grace? That, just like how it FEELS (emphasis on feels) like everyone has abandoned you, God is about to abandon you?



Well, God is nothing if not constantly at work to redeem all things, restore all things, make all things new.



And in the fall of 08, this former youth pastor (honestly, that feels like several lifetimes ago instead of merely 2 years) was blessed with the opportunity to teach a Bible study. And he loved it. He missed it. He missed the fight - missed being used to shed light on dark areas, missed how exciting it was to feel like God was right beside you, so close you could reach out and take the had that was undoubtedly offered to you, missed laughing - REALLY laughing, that kind of deep, soul shaking laugh.



And then it was gone. It felt sudden, but really, I think all of us in ALC knew something big was going down. From my viewpoint, it sucked, because it meant at least two people who I had opened myself up to in ways I had never done before would be leaving my life in some way, shape or form. Dale and DeeDee Balce are still two of the most incredible people I've ever met, and I'll always treasure our Tuesday night group. Brad was moving back to Vancouver, taking with him his sense of humour and rock like faith. Ernesto . . . well, Ernesto is home now. I miss him. I haven't spoken to John since then.



See, these people matter to me because PEOPLE matter - and if my wounds (and all of ours, probably) are relational in origin, does it not follow that God uses relationships to heal our wounds? He's something else though, this God of ours - though this healing work depends on people, it does not depend on one particular person . . .



I've said it before, and I'll say it again - I love Asher and Dayna Cubid. I've met Jesus because I've hung out with them. And around the time that my previous hope for salvation was disintegrating (just like my other previous plans - being a youth pastor, marrying Tamara, ), we started hanging out. And I will always be thankful that they invited me out to wings that one night :)



Mike and Trish Swalm - whose names you've undoubtedly seen mentioned here before - have been incredibly patient with me over the past few years. I think more than anyone else, Mike has seen the stupid cycles I seem doomed to repeat, and the fact that he still lets me talk about some of the same things over and over again is a testament to God's existence and his working through people.





Somewhere around this time, it started hitting me that a) I need to be more willing to let people go, let them be what they are meant to be and not expect them to be Who only God can be . . . and b) that the mask of lies I had worn for years, where I always tried to present mtyself in the best light possible, had to go.



And it's funny, because these are things Tamara had seen in me long ago, and had begged me to change, told me our future depended on it, that she couldn't marry someone who wanted her to be what only God could be, someone who couldn't look her in the eye and tell her the truth. Fear overcame love and logic then . . .



But no more.



Side note - while I'm talking about cycles, and how I often seem to repeat things / hang on to them, to the chagrin of those who love me . . . when I say I miss Tamara, it's not that I want things to be the way they were. I don't ever want to go back to what our relationship looked like again. It's that I've seen what has transpired in my life, and I know she saw things in me that weren't that evident back then . . . and I guess I want to let her know that they were true. I realize I don't have to - that I'm going to have a pretty stellar life no matter what. I just know that the same God who has done a lot of healing in my life has been busy in hers as well, and I think that more than any other people we both know, we'd have a better sense of joy over seeing how far we've come because we've seen each other at pretty low points. And as ridiculous as it sounds, (not to mention unlikely), how kick ass would it be if God showed how mighty he is by restorign us from our mess? Not that it HAS to happen.

There. Glad I said that. And should it seem foolish for us to even converse again, well, grace looks wierd from the outside looking in I suppose.



So while I'm coming to realize that here, in Calgary, a place where I was a stranger not 2 years ago, I have found deep friendships with people I would take a bullet for, no questions asked, with people who know things about I wanted to keep secret for years but love me anyway, and while I am learning to let God be God and people be people and celebrate our own wonderful finiteness, and while I am learning that I don't need to be pleasing everyone all the time in order to have worth . . .



I am taking back ground that was held by someone else for far too long, and power and control are things he does not relinquish without a fight.



So



My weaknesses? My wounds? The things God is healing? They're still the easiest way to take me out. And they are still targeted, and probably will be for most of my life. God doesn't take them away, but works through them, cuz He can. I'll probably spend most of the rest of my life fighting this internal battle - and though it make take different shapes, it will always rage. Peace is promised at the end, and we are not there yet.



In the meantime, I am mature enough to know I haven't a chance in hell of standing on my own. So Asher, Dayna, Mike, Trish, Sara, Trevor, Rachel, Mom, Annalies, Kara, Erika, Dad ( and I need you all to know this - no one is beyond redemption), Rick, Coach, Mary, Carla, Micah, Jay, Brian, Brad, Dale, Deedee, George, Marah, Melena, Peggy, Andrew, Josh, Dave, Nikayla, Mike, Krista, Christine, and anyone else I've ever let into my life in a significant way . . .

I need you. Where once I loathed any seeming dependence on other people for anything (and still pride myself on quite a measure of independence), I embrace that I need you.


G

PS Feel quite a sense of relief at getting that all out. Odds are good that it's only coherent to me (and even that isn't a given), but as always, I hope you find something in here beneficial for your life - it's why I share.