Living Loved.

To those who have just had the pleasure of getting to know me within the past 5 months or so, this may not seem so shocking. And perhaps it isn't all that shocking even to those who have known me longer. This last little season ( I love that word for its ambiguous length of time ) of my life has been marked by a lot of hard lessons, especially in the area of relationships. Not with any particular person per se, but more my general approach to them. Lot of learning . . . probably the biggest lesson is learning to live loved.

The reality of who I am from God's point of view is that I'm His son. He loves me. He has never not loved me. None of His actions toward me are motivated by anything other than love.

I can say these words easily, mentally process what the different phrases mean, and even have my emotions stirred by them . . . but to live like it? To live like Yahweh Himself CARES? To live a life that doesn't have to prove its own worth, but can rest in the worthiness that Someone Else declares when He looks at me?

It's tough. I LOVE proving myself. I YEARN for moments when I can show what I'm made of. I LIVE for the times when I'm asked to step up, and am able to do so. I love challenges - sure, I'll bitch and moan like the next guy, but deep down, I secretly dream of moments where my strength, my courage, all that I am, everything with in me is desperately needed. I love coming through, against the odds.

With God's love, I'm not really asked to do anything other than be loved.

Be still, and know that I am God . . .

Which is what I intend to do as soon as I post this - I appreciate moments when I can. True, more often than not I'd rather surround myself with people . . . and perhaps it becomes a salvation of sorts. For in the silence, in the still of night, no matter if you're married, living with someone, or single, at some point, it's just you and Him. What do you say to the One who knows not only what you're going to say, but also what you REALLY mean by it? What do you do with that terrible knowledge that He sees all AND LOVES YOU STILL? What is our response?

And, honestly, why can't You just give me something to DO?

Anytime I've taken the time to just do nothing, to just be still, there is a recharging, refocusing, re-filling up of whatever the substance is that God fills us with. There's something so deep and profound that transpires that I dare not try to use words to convey, for fear of desecrating it. Whatever it is, it makes it a little easier to live loved - not just by God, but by the ones I love myself.